Two Lanterns

My favorite personal "Only at ESPN" story so far. I was walking through the building as they shot this...and it's pretty funny to boot.

We Now Officially Live in the Matrix

Reports are coming in from all quarters...Brett Favre really did jog onto the Metrodome turf in a purple & gold Vikings uniform.

As the countless games of suffering I've had to endure as a White Sox fan watching Sox-Twins games didn't make me hate the Metrodome enough already.

The news tip that really caught my eye as reporters dedicating approximately 18 paragraphs per Favre completion (hint: he completed as many passes as the Sox scored runs tonight) was the following:

Chiefs linebacker Corey Mays bursts through the middle of the Vikings' line untouched on a blitz, slamming into Favre just as he lets go of the ball. Favre's pass falls well short of Harvin down the left sideline.

Yeah C-Mays! Even His Favreness will bow to the power of the dreads!

Funnier Than a Speeding Bullet

Usain Bolt, as you may be aware, is very fast. If there is one man who I would bet could kill a cheetah, it would be Bolt, as even a cheetah would not be able to keep up with his lightning-quick moves. And the man has a sense of history to go with his historic fleetness of foot:

For those who are not similarly acquainted with history, Bolt's shirt references one of John Kennedy's less than stellar rhetorical flourishes, the boast of Ich bin ein Berliner, meant to be a statement of Cold War solidarity during a speech in West Berlin during the summer of '63. German satirists (not to mention generations of American media, comedians, and even political historians) quickly started spreading the legend that JFK's statement was actually understood by the local audience not as "I am a Berliner", but rather (and I'm translating loosely), "I am a jelly doughnut". There is a delicious pastry known as berliner in Germany, but in Berlin is known more commonly Pfannkuchen. (It's the Deutschland equivalent of Ding-Dongs vs. Ho-Hos, apparently.) While not nearly as delicious sounding, Kennedy did deliver his intended message of "I am a citizen of Berlin" in proper German.

And who exactly is the cuddly Berlino depicted on Bolt's shirt? The mascot for the Track World Championships. Bolt humored the Teddy Ruxpin wanna-be with a mock race shortly after shattering the world record in the 200 meters today.

The Results Are In

A little more than 24 hours after the news broke, a Google search for "Brett Favre Fredo" yielded 795 hits. Granted that includes more than few nameless blogs (like this one) and Twitter pages, but I think my point is still valid.

There's going to be a spoof on YouTube before long with Aaron Rodgers playing Michael Corleone, going in for the kiss - I know it was you, Brett. You broke my heart.

Of course, as you recall from the press conference yesterday, Brett will simply say to himself, "This is the business we've chosen!!"

Purple People Eater

Over/under on the number of major columnists (ESPN.com counts too) who work a Fredo reference into their take on the Brett Favre saga? Eh, let's go conservative: 62.

There was a time when yes, I probably would've been raging upset about this. But if Brett's master scheme was to simply rope-a-dope his haters until they ceased having the requisite ire, count me as a success. The whole things has just dragged on too long. I really don't care. And in all honesty, I know Brett Favre doesn't care that I don't care. So good for him in that sense.

Still, this is one short step from Larry Bird joining the Lakers, Michael Jordan joining the Pistons, or Derek Jeter joining the Red Sox. Something about it seems fundamentally wrong. As such, this is the conversation many a Packer fan is having with the Favre poster on his wall tonight:

- We're your first team, Brett, and we were stepped over!
- That's the way Ted Thompson wanted it.
- It ain't the way we wanted it! We can handle things! We're smart! Not like everybody says... like dumb... We're smart and we want respect...Brett, you're nothing to me now. You're not a brother, you're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want to see you on the DirecTV package, I don't want you near my favorite sports bar. When you come to see the statue of Lombardi, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. You understand?

With apologies to T.O., November 1st (Minnesota @ Green Bay). Get your popcorn ready.

Standing Firm or Selling Out, Archie-Style

Turmoil in the Middle East. Raging debate over the future of health care. The forces of good and evil currently at work inside the mind of Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeffery Lurie. All of these are valuable topics for debate, inspiring much discussion and rancor.

However, shouldn't we all really be focusing our attention on whether Archie picks Betty or Veronica?

Meet Dave Luebke, who I'm sure is a great guy who loves his mother and provides for his children, walks old ladies across the street (or did, in his youth), and is all sorts of likeable. But once Luebke made headlines Friday with his decision to PROTEST!!! the upcoming comic book storyline where Archie will marry rich-gal Veronica rather than gal-next-door Betty, he opened the door to all sorts of ridicule.

Luebke, who has now forcefully stated his disdain for the storyline by auctioning off a rare first-edition of the very first Archie comic (for $38,000 and change) says that the state of the economy is only part of the reason he's selling - Luebke knows that you've gotta stand for something, so who are without our ability to stand on principle over fictional comic book characters who haven't left high school since 1939? For those who may lack the emotional attachment that Luebke has, the gag with this whole Archie-picks-Veronica arc is that it's a one-off diverting storyline...and after it, the gang returns to high school, presumably by way of a hydrogen bomb that will be detonated on an island that can't be found inside of a hatch that hasn't been built by people who won't be there 30 years later as a result (LOST reference! 10 points!) All those reassuring this is just pretend statements do not sway Mr. Luebke, who told USA Today: "Betty is it. Not Veronica...This is serious."

It seems to me that if Luebke were really into this, he'd be burning his priceless memorabilia rather than selling it. Does he really think that The Man will capitulate and let Archie be with the blonde because he, a vintage collector, is banking 40 grand? To me, that doesn't signify his outrage, it just signifies he knew how to maximize interest in the auction.

Unofficial Notre Dame Night @ Wrigley Field

Jeff Samardzija, recent two-sport Irish star, got his first major league start tonight against the Phillies - and promptly got worked for 7 runs in 3.1 innnigs. I would commiserate Jeff, but misery never looks so good as it does when wearing Cubbie blue. Relieving 'The Shark' later on was Aaron Heilman, former New York Metropolitan and member of the class of 2001. And who could forget the back end of the Phillies bullpen, anchored by another Domer, Brad Lidge? This may well be the first time one school had 75% of its professional alumni in any sport on the field in the same game (though, barring a sudden competency attack for the Cubs, a 12-3 Philly lead assures Lidge will have no save opportunity tonight).

For those keeping up with Stats, Inc., Notre Dame has a total of four alums currently in Major League Baseball - the 4th is veteran infielder Craig Counsell.

Fast Food Gourmets

Esquire released in this month's issue a "full-scale" rating of America's fast food joints and chains by some of the country's most respected chefs. Their culinary conclusions are the stuff us mere mortals have known forever (though I have to say they put an extraordinary spin on why the In'n'Out Burger is so damn good). They also provided the comforting knowledge that some things will never change now that food has evolved into yet another battleground of class warfare (so memorably shown in Super Size Me and Fast Food Nation), using the appropriate levels of snobbery mixed with a dash of Nietzsche to dissect what makes us all drive-thru junkies. I couldn't pick just one money quote, so here are the top two analyses:

"Fast food was intended to be a marvelous step in the evolution in how man eats, but it has turned out to be a symbol of the decline of the culture of the table, and therefore of civilization." — Paul Bartolotta, Bartolotta, Las Vegas

"They all represent the same thing to me. Do the differences between Chairman Mao and Stalin really matter? Fast food is a symbol of the decline of civilization. It solidifies the journey we have made to separate ourselves from a connection to food and family, history and culture. It symbolizes all that is bad with the way food is viewed, what keeps us alive and provides our bodies with fuel we should not take so flip. Convenience is not always the best way. Just as Wal-Mart and Home Depot have proved to be the death of family businesses in small neighborhoods and communities, fast food has done the same. I mean, if you want real convenience, what's next, Soylent Green? As for the low-cost argument, they do not sell anything cheaper than you could make at home that would be better for you — and don't forget the travel expense. These stores can provide jobs to a community, pay taxes, and train the next generation, but so can any non-chain operation." — Jimmy Bradley, The Harrison and The Red Cat, New York City

I think they have a point. I also think that if something tastes good, it's bad for you. It's just odd to hear a guy who serves up $16 appetizers at Steve Wynn's Las Vegas resort (looking in your direction, Barto) bemoan the death of civilization.

Even the Announcer Was Stunned

Notre Dame's "football fantasy camp" offering of the summer, the Notre Dame Japan Bowl, is airing on CBS College Sports TV right now. Because of a rash of injuries (since we all know 42-year old quarterbacks keep themselves in top shape for the moment when Lou Holtz calls and says, "Wanna go play a scrimmage against the Japanese national team?") the ND Legends had to go with recent Irish cornerback Ambrose Wooden, a fine player who unfortunately will have to be linked to the one play he didn't make whenever people size up his Notre Dame career.

Anyway, injuries to Tony Rice had Ambrose at quarterback when the Old Guys took the field for the first time. Even announcer Tom Hart, calling the game on TV with former Irish All-American Aaron Taylor, went for the double-take. "Ambrose Wooden...yes, the Ambrose Wooden - is under center for Notre Dame."

It's no slight to Ambrose, but I really have to say that Mr. Hart should not have been so quick to place him in the same sentence as Bruce Dickenson...yes, the Bruce Dickenson.


If you want to read more about the ND Legends experience, Taylor's teammate Jeremy Akers chronicled the journey at One More Game.

Conan Goes to Disneyland! (by way of Universal)

Friday's Tonight Show episode got in a few good cracks at Disney Parks & Resorts, with the added benefit of avoiding a 26% drop in profits themselves by filming the spoof at Universal Studios (where Conan tapes the show on the backlot and has already made several funny bits involving the hijacking of a studio tram.) Anyway:


Having been on the employee side of the fence at Disney P&R (Parks & Resorts) I can safely bet that there are a few people in the Team Disney Anaheim building who aren't laughing - and may in fact be downright insulted. I am not one of those people. Similar to Weird's Al good-natured poke at Jungle Cruise skippers, if you can't laugh at this than you're just not having enough fun in show business.

John Hughes

Today we pause and remember Jonathon Hughes, the man who gave true credence to the idea of a Chicago filmmaker and memorably sent Jay and Silent Bob on their mythic quest to find Shermer, IL (note: clip again, like most things involving Kevin Smith, definitely not suitable for work. Fast forward to the 5:06 mark to hear the relevant John Hughes portion). The abandoned gym at the abandoned Maine North high school (where the massive "Library" set was built for The Breakfast Club) has a new ghost to roam the halls.

John Hughes, the man who brought us...

-- Well, Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch. All the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?
-- Uh, no. Mr. Johnson.

-- I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam.

-- Hey, Bobby we should really get together sometime. I haven't been over at the new house since you moved. By the way, I want to apologize for last year at your old house... about those bushes. I had no idea they all would catch on fire like that. You were right. I should never have put the barbeque grill that close.

-- I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand. I'm going to defend it. Right or wrong, I'm going to defend it.

-- In 1930, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, in an effort to alleviate the effects of the... Anyone? Anyone?... the Great Depression, passed the... Anyone? Anyone? The tariff bill? The Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act? Which, anyone? Raised or lowered?... raised tariffs, in an effort to collect more revenue for the federal government. Did it work? Anyone? Anyone know the effects? It did not work, and the United States sank deeper into the Great Depression. Today we have a similar debate over this. Anyone know what this is? Class? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone seen this before? The Laffer Curve. Anyone know what this says? It says that at this point on the revenue curve, you will get exactly the same amount of revenue as at this point. This is very controversial. Does anyone know what Vice President Bush called this in 1980? Anyone? Something-d-o-o economics. "Voodoo" economics.

-- Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

-- Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Todd: Well, something had to come through the window! Something had to break the stereo!
Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, *Todd*?
Todd: I don't *know*, Margo!

-- Hey! I tell you what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your ugly, yellow, no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead! One, two, ten!

And of course, two personal Heidkamp favorites...

Buzz! Your girlfriend! Woof!

....and...

Bueller? Bueller?

Don't They Spell Check These Things?

Missed a couple of days worth of posts. I'll put up a couple of double-shots in the next few days to compensate and get back on track. I think the delay was caused because I was thrown for a loop by my fortune (you know, the kind from the cookies):

Do not be concerned. Good things are coming you way. (Not a misprint, and not mis-typed on my part).

I was going to point something out to somebody at the Chinese buffet, but I thought better of it. After all, I'm guessing quality control spell check isn't an area where they'll target most of their resources.