Saturday, December 19, 2009

Why I Don't Miss Working in L.A. - Part 8,792

Parts 1 thru 8,791 are around here somewhere, but here's how the folks at 20th Century Fox Television chose to get everybody in the Christmas spirit:



The actors (or "characters") featured are the cast of ABC's new sitcom Modern Family. Thomas will no doubt recognize the second gentleman featured as Vice President and Former Governor of Pennsylvania Eric Baker, and Joe will easily spot Jack's ex-wife from Lost, but understandably the rest of you might be in the dark. The two knuckleheads who bring the music to a screeching halt (and really, is there anything more retreaded than using the "record scratch" to indicate a change in moods?) are Fox TV heads Gary Newman & Dana Walden, who no doubt think they're being hilarious with their little wink/wink, nudge-nudge routine. Problem is unless your an industry insider you not only don't have the pleasure of being "in" on the joke, but also may very well be one of the writers, actors, or crew members who can't find a job in what used to be a top time of the year for employment because fewer and fewer pilots are getting made.

It's not so much that I think this is patently offensive because it quite obviously was made with satirical, completely innocent intentions. It's just that this is such a lame & predictable exercise meant to cater to the "insider's crowd" to the point of not only failing to be funny, but being just plain stupid.

I've broached the subject before and I'll revisit it again in the future (bank on that), but it just makes me conjure up the quote from "What Just Happened", a surprisingly self-indulgent look at Hollywood that featured Bruce Willis as an actor named Bruce Willis. In the film, Bruce Willis (as portrayed by Bruce Willis) gives the following eulogy:
Hunter S Thompson once said to me, "The movie business is a cruel and shallow money trench, where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs.' Then he added, 'There's also a negative side'.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Let's Get Dangerous

Mental health break today.

If there is a superhero with a better theme song than Darkwing Duck, I would like to meet that superhero.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Armchair Quarterbacking

ESPN columnist Gregg Easterbrook's edition of "Tuesday Morning Quarterback" from last week caught my eye with a couple of really salient points. Among the questions posed in his exegesis:

Is coaching overrated? (Don't know that I agree, but Easterbrook's larger point - that it's easy as hell to second-guess, and just because it's easy doesn't mean you know what the f____ you're talking about - is above dispute.)

Do the football gods have creative ways of punishing those who defy them? (Scroll near the end and see the curious fates of Nebraska & Texas Tech in recent weeks.)

Should we be concerned about the upcoming palindrome day on January 2nd, 2010? (Look at it - 01022010...reverse the numbers and it's still...01022010.)

Most convincing though was the solid debunking of the myth that the "Wildcat offense" currently sweeping the offices of football coaches at every level - heck, even Notre Dame is running it - is some sort of trick-play gimmick.
Why is the Wildcat being called a gimmick? Nobody says it's a gimmick when the Patriots run the shotgun spread. Nobody says it's a gimmick when the Steelers or Packers go with an empty backfield. There's a presumption that only a conventional set with a quarterback standing in the pocket counts as real offense. Offense is yards gained! On Sunday night against the Giants, the Cardinals put defensive back Antrel Rolle behind center in a Wildcat formation. Surely the Cardinals' coaches thought Jersey/A would assume run, and be surprised when Rolle threw. This worked so well that Larry Fitzgerald even seemed surprised when the pass hit him right on the hands, and he dropped the ball. (A penalty wiped Rolle's attempt off the stat sheet.) Had the play worked, that would have been yards gained, plus pretty entertaining. Probably various touts and former jocks in the sports media object to the Wildcat because they didn't think of it first.
And really, what exactly was there to think of? It's a running play! Just because you cut out the middle man and the process of handing off doesn't mystifyingly make it some sort of triple-reverse gadget play. Follow the link for the full series of notes and musings, they're all worth your time.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Great Moments in CNN History

One day soon I'm going to rediscover my ability to blog and snark back at people (and things) who oh-so-richly deserve it. Pending that day, I have to let the inimitable Jon Stewart and Hulu clips do it for me:

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I Can't Believe I Missed This...

Blog's been on "radio silent" status for almost four weeks (a month at the most). Figured we kick-start back into gear with a little humor. This has to be one of Darrell Hammond's finest Post-2000 Clinton performances. How did I miss this back in January?

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Two Lanterns


My favorite personal "Only at ESPN" story so far. I was walking through the building as they shot this...and it's pretty funny to boot.

Friday, August 21, 2009

We Now Officially Live in the Matrix

Reports are coming in from all quarters...Brett Favre really did jog onto the Metrodome turf in a purple & gold Vikings uniform.

As the countless games of suffering I've had to endure as a White Sox fan watching Sox-Twins games didn't make me hate the Metrodome enough already.

The news tip that really caught my eye as reporters dedicating approximately 18 paragraphs per Favre completion (hint: he completed as many passes as the Sox scored runs tonight) was the following:
Chiefs linebacker Corey Mays bursts through the middle of the Vikings' line untouched on a blitz, slamming into Favre just as he lets go of the ball. Favre's pass falls well short of Harvin down the left sideline.
Yeah C-Mays! Even His Favreness will bow to the power of the dreads!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Funnier Than a Speeding Bullet

Usain Bolt, as you may be aware, is very fast. If there is one man who I would bet could kill a cheetah, it would be Bolt, as even a cheetah would not be able to keep up with his lightning-quick moves. And the man has a sense of history to go with his historic fleetness of foot:

For those who are not similarly acquainted with history, Bolt's shirt references one of John Kennedy's less than stellar rhetorical flourishes, the boast of Ich bin ein Berliner, meant to be a statement of Cold War solidarity during a speech in West Berlin during the summer of '63. German satirists (not to mention generations of American media, comedians, and even political historians) quickly started spreading the legend that JFK's statement was actually understood by the local audience not as "I am a Berliner", but rather (and I'm translating loosely), "I am a jelly doughnut". There is a delicious pastry known as berliner in Germany, but in Berlin is known more commonly Pfannkuchen. (It's the Deutschland equivalent of Ding-Dongs vs. Ho-Hos, apparently.) While not nearly as delicious sounding, Kennedy did deliver his intended message of "I am a citizen of Berlin" in proper German.

And who exactly is the cuddly Berlino depicted on Bolt's shirt? The mascot for the Track World Championships. Bolt humored the Teddy Ruxpin wanna-be with a mock race shortly after shattering the world record in the 200 meters today.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Results Are In

A little more than 24 hours after the news broke, a Google search for "Brett Favre Fredo" yielded 795 hits. Granted that includes more than few nameless blogs (like this one) and Twitter pages, but I think my point is still valid.

There's going to be a spoof on YouTube before long with Aaron Rodgers playing Michael Corleone, going in for the kiss - I know it was you, Brett. You broke my heart.

Of course, as you recall from the press conference yesterday, Brett will simply say to himself, "This is the business we've chosen!!"

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Purple People Eater

Over/under on the number of major columnists (ESPN.com counts too) who work a Fredo reference into their take on the Brett Favre saga? Eh, let's go conservative: 62.

There was a time when yes, I probably would've been raging upset about this. But if Brett's master scheme was to simply rope-a-dope his haters until they ceased having the requisite ire, count me as a success. The whole things has just dragged on too long. I really don't care. And in all honesty, I know Brett Favre doesn't care that I don't care. So good for him in that sense.

Still, this is one short step from Larry Bird joining the Lakers, Michael Jordan joining the Pistons, or Derek Jeter joining the Red Sox. Something about it seems fundamentally wrong. As such, this is the conversation many a Packer fan is having with the Favre poster on his wall tonight:

- We're your first team, Brett, and we were stepped over!
- That's the way Ted Thompson wanted it.
- It ain't the way we wanted it! We can handle things! We're smart! Not like everybody says... like dumb... We're smart and we want respect...Brett, you're nothing to me now. You're not a brother, you're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want to see you on the DirecTV package, I don't want you near my favorite sports bar. When you come to see the statue of Lombardi, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. You understand?


With apologies to T.O., November 1st (Minnesota @ Green Bay). Get your popcorn ready.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Standing Firm or Selling Out, Archie-Style

Turmoil in the Middle East. Raging debate over the future of health care. The forces of good and evil currently at work inside the mind of Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeffery Lurie. All of these are valuable topics for debate, inspiring much discussion and rancor.

However, shouldn't we all really be focusing our attention on whether Archie picks Betty or Veronica?

Meet Dave Luebke, who I'm sure is a great guy who loves his mother and provides for his children, walks old ladies across the street (or did, in his youth), and is all sorts of likeable. But once Luebke made headlines Friday with his decision to PROTEST!!! the upcoming comic book storyline where Archie will marry rich-gal Veronica rather than gal-next-door Betty, he opened the door to all sorts of ridicule.

Luebke, who has now forcefully stated his disdain for the storyline by auctioning off a rare first-edition of the very first Archie comic (for $38,000 and change) says that the state of the economy is only part of the reason he's selling - Luebke knows that you've gotta stand for something, so who are without our ability to stand on principle over fictional comic book characters who haven't left high school since 1939? For those who may lack the emotional attachment that Luebke has, the gag with this whole Archie-picks-Veronica arc is that it's a one-off diverting storyline...and after it, the gang returns to high school, presumably by way of a hydrogen bomb that will be detonated on an island that can't be found inside of a hatch that hasn't been built by people who won't be there 30 years later as a result (LOST reference! 10 points!) All those reassuring this is just pretend statements do not sway Mr. Luebke, who told USA Today: "Betty is it. Not Veronica...This is serious."

It seems to me that if Luebke were really into this, he'd be burning his priceless memorabilia rather than selling it. Does he really think that The Man will capitulate and let Archie be with the blonde because he, a vintage collector, is banking 40 grand? To me, that doesn't signify his outrage, it just signifies he knew how to maximize interest in the auction.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Unofficial Notre Dame Night @ Wrigley Field

Jeff Samardzija, recent two-sport Irish star, got his first major league start tonight against the Phillies - and promptly got worked for 7 runs in 3.1 innnigs. I would commiserate Jeff, but misery never looks so good as it does when wearing Cubbie blue. Relieving 'The Shark' later on was Aaron Heilman, former New York Metropolitan and member of the class of 2001. And who could forget the back end of the Phillies bullpen, anchored by another Domer, Brad Lidge? This may well be the first time one school had 75% of its professional alumni in any sport on the field in the same game (though, barring a sudden competency attack for the Cubs, a 12-3 Philly lead assures Lidge will have no save opportunity tonight).

For those keeping up with Stats, Inc., Notre Dame has a total of four alums currently in Major League Baseball - the 4th is veteran infielder Craig Counsell.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Fast Food Gourmets

Esquire released in this month's issue a "full-scale" rating of America's fast food joints and chains by some of the country's most respected chefs. Their culinary conclusions are the stuff us mere mortals have known forever (though I have to say they put an extraordinary spin on why the In'n'Out Burger is so damn good). They also provided the comforting knowledge that some things will never change now that food has evolved into yet another battleground of class warfare (so memorably shown in Super Size Me and Fast Food Nation), using the appropriate levels of snobbery mixed with a dash of Nietzsche to dissect what makes us all drive-thru junkies. I couldn't pick just one money quote, so here are the top two analyses:
"Fast food was intended to be a marvelous step in the evolution in how man eats, but it has turned out to be a symbol of the decline of the culture of the table, and therefore of civilization." — Paul Bartolotta, Bartolotta, Las Vegas

"They all represent the same thing to me. Do the differences between Chairman Mao and Stalin really matter? Fast food is a symbol of the decline of civilization. It solidifies the journey we have made to separate ourselves from a connection to food and family, history and culture. It symbolizes all that is bad with the way food is viewed, what keeps us alive and provides our bodies with fuel we should not take so flip. Convenience is not always the best way. Just as Wal-Mart and Home Depot have proved to be the death of family businesses in small neighborhoods and communities, fast food has done the same. I mean, if you want real convenience, what's next, Soylent Green? As for the low-cost argument, they do not sell anything cheaper than you could make at home that would be better for you — and don't forget the travel expense. These stores can provide jobs to a community, pay taxes, and train the next generation, but so can any non-chain operation." — Jimmy Bradley, The Harrison and The Red Cat, New York City
I think they have a point. I also think that if something tastes good, it's bad for you. It's just odd to hear a guy who serves up $16 appetizers at Steve Wynn's Las Vegas resort (looking in your direction, Barto) bemoan the death of civilization.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Even the Announcer Was Stunned

Notre Dame's "football fantasy camp" offering of the summer, the Notre Dame Japan Bowl, is airing on CBS College Sports TV right now. Because of a rash of injuries (since we all know 42-year old quarterbacks keep themselves in top shape for the moment when Lou Holtz calls and says, "Wanna go play a scrimmage against the Japanese national team?") the ND Legends had to go with recent Irish cornerback Ambrose Wooden, a fine player who unfortunately will have to be linked to the one play he didn't make whenever people size up his Notre Dame career.

Anyway, injuries to Tony Rice had Ambrose at quarterback when the Old Guys took the field for the first time. Even announcer Tom Hart, calling the game on TV with former Irish All-American Aaron Taylor, went for the double-take. "Ambrose Wooden...yes, the Ambrose Wooden - is under center for Notre Dame."

It's no slight to Ambrose, but I really have to say that Mr. Hart should not have been so quick to place him in the same sentence as Bruce Dickenson...yes, the Bruce Dickenson.


If you want to read more about the ND Legends experience, Taylor's teammate Jeremy Akers chronicled the journey at One More Game.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Conan Goes to Disneyland! (by way of Universal)

Friday's Tonight Show episode got in a few good cracks at Disney Parks & Resorts, with the added benefit of avoiding a 26% drop in profits themselves by filming the spoof at Universal Studios (where Conan tapes the show on the backlot and has already made several funny bits involving the hijacking of a studio tram.) Anyway:


Having been on the employee side of the fence at Disney P&R (Parks & Resorts) I can safely bet that there are a few people in the Team Disney Anaheim building who aren't laughing - and may in fact be downright insulted. I am not one of those people. Similar to Weird's Al good-natured poke at Jungle Cruise skippers, if you can't laugh at this than you're just not having enough fun in show business.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

John Hughes

Today we pause and remember Jonathon Hughes, the man who gave true credence to the idea of a Chicago filmmaker and memorably sent Jay and Silent Bob on their mythic quest to find Shermer, IL (note: clip again, like most things involving Kevin Smith, definitely not suitable for work. Fast forward to the 5:06 mark to hear the relevant John Hughes portion). The abandoned gym at the abandoned Maine North high school (where the massive "Library" set was built for The Breakfast Club) has a new ghost to roam the halls.

John Hughes, the man who brought us...
-- Well, Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch. All the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?
-- Uh, no. Mr. Johnson.

-- I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam.

-- Hey, Bobby we should really get together sometime. I haven't been over at the new house since you moved. By the way, I want to apologize for last year at your old house... about those bushes. I had no idea they all would catch on fire like that. You were right. I should never have put the barbeque grill that close.

-- I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand. I'm going to defend it. Right or wrong, I'm going to defend it.

-- In 1930, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, in an effort to alleviate the effects of the... Anyone? Anyone?... the Great Depression, passed the... Anyone? Anyone? The tariff bill? The Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act? Which, anyone? Raised or lowered?... raised tariffs, in an effort to collect more revenue for the federal government. Did it work? Anyone? Anyone know the effects? It did not work, and the United States sank deeper into the Great Depression. Today we have a similar debate over this. Anyone know what this is? Class? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone seen this before? The Laffer Curve. Anyone know what this says? It says that at this point on the revenue curve, you will get exactly the same amount of revenue as at this point. This is very controversial. Does anyone know what Vice President Bush called this in 1980? Anyone? Something-d-o-o economics. "Voodoo" economics.

-- Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

-- Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Todd: Well, something had to come through the window! Something had to break the stereo!
Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, *Todd*?
Todd: I don't *know*, Margo!

-- Hey! I tell you what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your ugly, yellow, no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead! One, two, ten!
And of course, two personal Heidkamp favorites...
Buzz! Your girlfriend! Woof!
....and...

Bueller? Bueller?

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Don't They Spell Check These Things?

Missed a couple of days worth of posts. I'll put up a couple of double-shots in the next few days to compensate and get back on track. I think the delay was caused because I was thrown for a loop by my fortune (you know, the kind from the cookies):

Do not be concerned. Good things are coming you way. (Not a misprint, and not mis-typed on my part).

I was going to point something out to somebody at the Chinese buffet, but I thought better of it. After all, I'm guessing quality control spell check isn't an area where they'll target most of their resources.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

First Rule of Golf: Always Know Whose Fault it is That You Suck

Sometimes the only thing you can muster up for a blog post is passing along the brilliance of others. (I do this quite frequently when speaking also...people are away of this and avoid me at parties. Often, as a sign of their respect, they don't even invite me. At least I think that's how the quote is supposed to go.)

I was sitting in the lounge today watching coverage of the U.S. Senior Open, and it occurred to me with a scan of the leaderboard (Greg Norman in first position, followed closely by names like Loren Roberts, Tom Lehman, Scott Simpson, Fred Funk, Bernhard Langer, & Jeff Sluman) that the uninformed viewer could easily have confused this for a replay of 1989 "regular" U.S. Open. And as last week's British Senior Open showed, the more things change, the more they stay the same whenever Greg Norman is leading early in a major tournament.

Norman, who fired a 64 on Saturday to take the 54-hole lead at the elder British championship, not only completed another come-from-ahead tumble for a sixth place finish, he caught the flack from pundits when he fielded a question on if he might not have gagged away quite so many majors in his prime had his current wife, tennis star Chris Evert, been by his side. The Shark's response? "Chrissie would've have instilled a different thought process...the answer would probably be 'yes'."

For background, Norman and his wife of 25 years, Laura, did not exactly part on friendly terms and the divorce cost The Shark a nice chunk of change. It's only natural to think of a second spouse as perhaps a bit of needed fresh air on the heels of an acrimonious ending to the previous relationship. But to suggest his wife had some kind of a Vulcan mind-meld ability over him during his dozen infamous collapses? C'mon Greg. So from here I pass the keyboarding baton to Patrick Smith of The Australian:
Laura's thought processes must have been pretty good during his 88 international tournament victories and his two British Open wins but, apparently, she just got ornery at the Masters, the US Open and the US PGA.

Like the 1986 PGA when Bob Tway holed out from a bunker on the 18th. Bloody Laura. Or the US Open the same year when Norman shot a final-round 75 after leading. The bitch. Then a year later Larry Mize holes out from hell on the 11th, second hole of a play-off for the Masters. Quit playing with his mind, woman. Or in the 1989 British Open playoff when he whacked the ball dead into a fairway bunker. Damn you Laura.

No, the Shark is right. It is Laura's fault he lost the big ones. She played the shots, they were her hands that tightened until the knuckles turned white on the club, her choice to hit it wild right on the last in the 1986 Masters.

She was the one who shook so much that Norman could barely take the club back when the big ones were there for the taking. It was her mind that raced through the gears: from panic, to fear, to frozen. Had nothing to do with Faldo sitting on his shoulder. It was Laura who didn't think that bunker could possibly be in play at Troon.

And back at the British Open last year at Royal Birkdale it was Laura who stuffed up the fairytale story of the old champ coming back at 53 to win. He led by two shots with a round to go. Then he blew it. Sorry, Laura blew it. As always.
Reminded me of a quote I read - I think it was from the Golfer's Edition of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books: "Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole in one."

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Brain Dropping Of the Day

I was cleaning up the bill at dinner tonight when the waitress asked me if I wanted dessert. I pondered about it for a moment and then decided, "Screw it, let's not be concerned about how unhealthy it is. If something tastes good, it's bad for you. Otherwise, we'd all live forever."

So I got the Kit Kat Sundae. I don't even want to think about how many calories (and grams of fat) it must've piled on. The thing tasted good.

I'll have something worth contributing tomorrow...I think.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Buehrle's Perfect Day

Finally unwound from an unexpectedly taxing journey home and back in the business of bringing championship tennis to the masses. One of the rarest sporting events happened to take place during the trip also - a perfect game in baseball, only the 18th in modern times (read: since 1893) and it just happened to be thrown by one of the last guys you'd ever pick to pitch a perfect game.

Now, there have been some perfect games that have a "bolt out of the blue" quality to them - Don Larsen, Mike Witt, Tom Browning, for example - but the list of pitchers who've thrown one is pretty exclusive company. Cy Young, Sandy Koufax, Jim Bunning, Catfish Hunter, & Randy Johnson are all on the list and are either in the Hall of Fame or going to be. Other names like Dennis Martinez, David Wells, Kenny Rogers, and David Cone were peak pitchers for a long time - the fewest wins among them is Cone with 194 for his career. Point being, more often than not, to throw a perfect game is to cement legendary status.

And this time it was done by a guy who has, quite deservedly, a reputation as one of the most "hittable" pitchers in baseball! Opponents hit .268 against him for his career - for comparison's sake, the other five pitchers who've thrown at least two no-hitters with one being a perfect game were Koufax, Bunning, Johnson, Young, and old-time Addie Joss. Only one of them (Young) allowed opponents to hit better than .250 against him for a career. Guys hit Buehrle at an almost .270 clip, he doesn't strike guys out, and doesn't possess the dominating sinker or overpowering fastball to lead to ground balls and pop-ups. Yet he wins (every year as a starter he's reached double-digit victories) and, more endearingly, he just works fast. To say he's a left-handed Greg Maddux would be a fair statement, even if Maddux was blessed with slightly better "stuff" that turned him into a 300-game winner.

How does he do it? Probably just by sitting back and not thinking it over too much. On the long list of things to admire about Buehrle, his work rhythm is the best. The perfect game took only 2 hours and 3 minutes, and that's including dead time for TV commercials. Buehrle once pitched a game that took just 1 hour and 39 minutes total (around 63 minutes of actual game time when you subtract TV delays). As Richard Roeper once said, "Fans love it. Beer vendors hate it. When Buehrle's on the mound, they know they'll have less than two hours to make their money."

As I type this, the crafty vet from St. Charles, Missouri just set down his 15th Twin in a row, setting a new major league record in the process with 43 consecutive batters retired. If this keeps up he'll probably get dragged on to the Late Show for an in-person appearance, but last night's Top 10 list was reward enough. For your viewing pleasure:

Monday, July 27, 2009

"We Don't Have Enough Fuel to Make It"

Words you always love to hear coming out of the cockpit when flying into the teeth of a tornado advisory. The past five-day weekend attending Mike & Meg's wedding in South Bend was fantastic, but the last leg of the journey was a colossal nightmare. It's just not normal when the captain is forced to do laps in the air for 40 minutes (I was, quite literally, in a holding patten) and then divert to Albany because we don't have enough fuel to keep stalling while we wait for the weather to clear into LaGuardia.

Which I'm not sure it ever did. The last time I checked, my flight which was supposed to be landing at 5:00pm had still not landed as of 10:20. By that time I had hopped on the Amtrak from Albany to Penn Station and proceeded to catch the MTA North Shore home, finally reaching the finish line some 14 hours after the journey started. I could've just about driven from Chicago to Bristol in the time wasted trying to get there by plane and train. So the lesson of that 1987 John Hughes classic still rings true today: when forced to choose, always go with the automobile.

Anyway, apart from the odyssey of returning to central Connecticut, it was a great weekend and a special time for Mike and Meghan, who are sitting on a beach drinking daiquiris right now while I run from the rainstorms that seem to have taken up a permanent residence in the Northeast. Lucky them. Rest easy on the sands of Oahu this week kids - you earned it.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Bobby Jenks is Killing My Fantasy Team

Seriously, Bobby. Seriously.

As an alternative theory: Bobby knows he's been mentioned in possible trades (though that was a far more distinct possibility back when the Sox were on the verge of tumbling out of the race, not when they're 1 FLIPPIN' GAME OUT OF FIRST). So either he really wants to boost his chances of being traded by insuring the Sox drop so many games they have no choice but to slash their assets like Crazy Eddie, or he loves this team so much he can't bear the thought of looking good to potential buyers on the market. It's one or the other, because nothing else explains this. Except maybe all the doughnuts that go missing from the clubhouse spread; I have a strong suspicion Alexei Ramirez is not the one wolfing them down.

Monday, July 20, 2009

When Job Worlds Collide

I was scrolling through the billion and one (that's an approximate number) of channels we get at ESPN central feed last month when I noticed some video getting fed on the uplink from Anaheim: Kobe Bryant's Main Street victory parade. At the time I was like, "Apparently my old division, parks & resorts - specifically the Disneyland resort - is just going to hunt me down no matter where I go." Tonight, I was once again proven correct on this count.

It started innocently enough. I'm working for our tennis production department and during the seven weeks between the end of Wimbledon and the start of the US Open, we have a tournament per weekend which is part of the "US Open Series", sort of a round-robin at various sites throughout the country (this weekend for example, Indianapolis). But next weekend? Los Angeles, specifically the UCLA campus. My producer asks me to please compile a reel of "scenics" - these are the nice, high definition camera shots of famous landmarks and iconic places throughout the city where any event might be taking place, usually so we can have a nice shot to transition between games or matches or to lay advertisements over (example: if you watched Wimbledon coverage, you'd note how ads for IBM always had Buckingham Palace in the background).

So I pull a bunch of Los Angeles scenics from our archive and get ready to parse it down into one tidy clip reel. It's about 8 tapes, helpfully labeled as to what is on each (LAX, Santa Monica Pier, Sunset Strip, etc.) But one tape is just labeled "LA, Reel 1". So this first...the very first tape...I pop it in and what comes up on the monitor? Mickey, Donald, & Goofy standing smack in the middle of Sunshine Plaza at DCA (that's Disney's California Adventure for those of who not up with all the Disney "cast member" slang), waving to the camera. I couldn't help but wonder if somebody is trying to send me a message. I think what some of the old-timers at Parks & Resorts warned me about was true: The Resort is just gonna follow me around forever, like a sad little puppy begging for attention. It's not that bad really - I have a lot fond memories of the place and hey, you could be followed around by a lot worse things.

Anyway, there was a good amount of DLR footage so maybe you'll see it used as a scenic setting during next weekend's coverage of the LA Tennis Open. Or not.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Just Another Case of The Man Keeping You Down

Not long before this year's British Open (or simply The Open as it is called everywhere except here in the United States; note - this is not just another example of American jingoism. We use the moniker because we too have what any real golf fan calls "The Open". We need some kind of measure for distinction), I read an article analzying recent success stories at the ultimate test of links golf. One of the key conclusions was that Tom Watson was likely the best links golfer of the last 50 years, a fact backed up by five British Open victories on five different courses during his career.

So here's Watson at age 59 leading The Open heading to the weekend. But he better enjoy it while it lasts, because under the rules and eligibility established by the older-than-dirt Royal & Ancient which oversees the championship, this very well could be his last one:
Here's a little wrinkle: The Royal & Ancient Golf Club has decreed that nobody over the age of 60 can play in a British Open. So all of a sudden, the greatest links player in history is down to one-and-a-half Britishes.

On its face, it seems to make sense, in a curiously unsentimental way -- nobody wants to see a bunch of old geezers doddering their way around a course. The oldest major winner was Julius Boros at the PGA in 1968 -- age 48 -- and the oldest to win the British was Old Tom Morris at age 46, which happened nearly a century and a half ago. So there's not exactly precedent for what Watson's doing right now.

The list of exemption rules for the British Open, like all majors, is a mile long, but the basic thrust is this: Watson can play next year on his Open-winner exemption, but that's it -- unless, of course, he turns in another outstanding tournament and records a top-10 finish in 2010. And then the question comes -- after such a magnificent performance this year, does Watson get another exemption? Or does he get a handshake and sent off into that Scottish night?
It would be quite a story for a guy with 13 full years on a winner they called Old Tom Morris to somehow walk off with golf's oldest trophy. But don't etch his name to the Jug yet. Even so, can't we all just agree that certain players do enough to warrant a lifetime exemption? The Masters does this. The U.S. Open does this. The PGA does it too. Why not just like the old guys have their two rounds and give the fans a chance to see the legends of the game walk alongside the next generation(s)? Just goes to show you that even snobby old white dudes can be straightjacketed by The Man sometimes.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

There's Only One Reason I'd Go on That Field

It could have been just me, but it seemed like every person I know in the greater Chicago area was at the Billy Joel/Elton John concert tonight. Here I am tucked away on a dark and stormy night in Connecticut (seriously, the power went out tonight, and for a solid 25 seconds a steady stream of lightning flashes kept illuminating the house like it was broad daylight. It was a scene straight out of James Whale's 1931 version of Frankenstein. I digress - apologies).

As I was about to be saying, I usually avoid going to Wrigley Field on principal unless the Sox are playing a Crosstown game there, but it occurred to me that such a night like tonight would give me the opportunity to do something I have (and I'm sure Ozzie Guillen has too) always dreamed of doing: literally take a dump on that landfill-excuse of a stadium.

I correct myself on this: Ozzie doesn't dream about doing this. Dollars-to-doughnuts he's done it a dozen times already. And of course I wouldn't worry about getting caught. Somebody would have to be able to separate my contribution from the baseball team which is on that field the rest of the time!

Anyway, here's a picture Erin e-mailed from her phone:

Killer seats. I would actually have enjoyed being that close to the Piano Man.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Handle With Care

"You know, Hunter S Thompson once said to me: the movie business is a cruel and shallow money trench, where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. Then he added, 'There's also a negative side'."
-- Bruce Willis, while playing "Bruce Willis" in the movie What Just Happened?

One of my favorite things is hearing the crazy, down-is-up "tales from the wars" about the litany of failed projects, doomed ideas, and absolutely bats&*t nutso personalities that litter the minefield known as Los Angeles, CA and its favored business - known as The Business to Hollywood types. Personally, these guys can all take a long walk off a short pier. Kevin Smith illustrates why in this 20-minute excerpt from his Q&A tour on college campuses (note: definitely NOT suitable for work, unless you're wearing headphones and are locked in a room where nobody else can see/hear what you're watching).


Now I have to concede that for all the ripping I do on it (mostly deserved, I'll add), it's certainly not like Hollywood is the only place where people can be horrendously bad at their job yet meet with tremendous success. It's simply that Los Angeles is far and away the #1 place where the people who've mastered the art of failing upwards can be rightfully mocked for it.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Pictures Say 1,000 Words

This is your brain:


This is your brain on drugs:


Any questions?

Monday, July 13, 2009

Look At Those Hippos, They're Wiggling Their Ears

For anybody who's ever had to work the quintessential "pay the dues" jobs in dogged pursuit of the dream that seems to get farther away the more you give chase...perhaps you don't want to watch this video, now that I think about it. Weird Al Yankovic, master of the song parody, tackles the somewhat nomadic existence of a Disney Cast Member. There are definitely some Jungle Cruise skippers out there who are highly amused tonight...if they aren't weeping at how close to home this one hits.

Skipper Dan

Friday, July 10, 2009

Solutions for Problems That Don't Exist

Apple recently trumpeted the news of how the iTunes App Store, an open marketplace for software developers to craft applications used on the iPhone and iPod Touch, just hit its first birthday . And my, how it's grown over one calendar year - when introduced it provided about 500 applications. Today? 55,000 and counting.

Of course, in a sample size that big, you're gonna find some applications that border on genius (I basically can't imagine my world without the MLB At-Bat application, particularly now that it provides streaming video of White Sox games direct to my phone), some that are superfluous at best, and more than a few that are downright stupid. To wit:

Fortune Magazine's 10 Dumbest iPhone Apps

The amazing thing is that a number of these colossal wastes of time and energy (on the part of the developers, to say nothing of the saps who would actually think that they were useful) is that most of them charge for their service. You're reading it right, there apparently is a healthy, robust market of people who will pay for the right to download a file that will make it appear as if your phone has a zipper. Personally, I would've paid to see the thought process of the guys in the software department who thought up #8 on the list. I'm not gonna spoil it with my own snarky commentary, you'll just have to click and read for yourself.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Like I Said

Ron Artest is gonna fit right in. At yesterday's press conference, his rational for choosing the #37 with the Lakers (he's previously gone a little off the beaten path with number selection). But this...skip ahead to 1:33 in the video for the part that has me picking my jaw off the floor, and not precisely in "Where Amazing Happens!" context. The analysis before that about the proper usage of the word "hoodalize" is also gold, but just watch at the 1:33 mark:


He starts off well enough, posing his number selection as an egalitarian process complete with ideas submitted on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc (note to athletes: you're not a true man of the people until you incorporate services on at least two social networking sites). Then he somehow manages pluck out 37 because it stands for the same number of weeks that Thriller was the #1 album, and after all, "I'm number one in my life". I personally often have difficulty cracking the top five in my own life, so hats off to you, Ron Ron. This man and Los Angeles were made for each other.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Shocking Video LeBron DOESN'T Want You To See!

No, not that kind of video. Thank God. But apparently, there are some humbling experiences that The King will not suffer, chief among them the implication that a mere mortal from an Atlantic-10 school could dunk on him. Excerpt:
You want to see video of Xavier's Jordan Crawford dunking on LeBron James?

If so, too bad.

Because you're not going to see it.

Thanks to Nike.

Turns out, there were at least two cameras rolling Monday night when Crawford dunked on James during a pick-up game here at the LeBron James Skills Academy. It was a two-handed jam, the kind that would've circulated quickly on YouTube. But Nike officials eliminated that possibility shortly after the dunk happened by allegedly confiscating tapes from various cameramen.

Freelance photographer Ryan Miller was one of the cameramen shooting the game.

He told CBSSports.com that Nike Basketball Senior Director Lynn Merritt took his tape.

"He just said, 'We have to take your tape,'" Miller said. "They took it from other guys, too."

Worth noting is that there is no policy against filming at the LeBron James Skills Academy, and Miller said he had been filming all day without incident. Nobody ever told him to stop. Nobody ever said there was a problem ... until after Crawford dunked on James.
Crawford, a transfer from Indiana, apparently "posterized" LeBron not once but twice during the scrimmage. Reading further, it sounds like Nike officials were actually acting at the behest of LeBron and his entourage. To which I say: Why? What's the big deal? If anything, confiscating all proof that the dunk took place doesn't really do anything except enhance the legend. It's like the story about the investment bank CEO who beat MJ one-on-one (40-year old MJ, it should be noted). You hear about it and figure, Damn, this I gotta see, only to watch the footage and try to decipher what the hype was all about. Leaving this thing to the imagination means it's going to live on a lot longer than it would have during it's one week of internet glory.

Of course, would MJ in his prime, right where LeBron is now, have been big enough to let himself be shown up by a supposed nobody? I'm hesitant to say - we all know the stories of Michael's competitiveness and the assaults he would let out in frustration on teammates and opponents alike. Those were especially controlling during his younger, more formative days in the league. So I can get why LeBron's got just a little too much pride to let word spread about how some amateur dunked on him, but by sending in the goons to destroy the evidence he's now created the myth of "this dude who dunked on LeBron", and it's gonna spread faster and hang around longer than any viral video would have via YouTube.

I just can't close my eyes and imagine how it would've been so brutal anyway. What, if Garnett scales the castle wall next season is LeBron gonna go up to an ESPN cameraman during the timeout and demand they erase the tapes? I think the biggest question that should be asked is why would Nike go along with this? How did you fail to see an opportunity here? Pass this thing off as another installment of the HyperDunk series (you know, like how Kobe jumped over an Aston Martin?) and the thing would sell like hotcakes - Wear the shoes and YOU TOO can get mad air over King James!. They wouldn't even have to make some laughable attempt to convince us it wasn't CGI, because according to plenty of people who were there it really happened. Of course, apart from the obvious reason that Crawford's amateur status makes any attempt at marketing the moment a NCAA investigation waiting to happen (and spare the NCAA competency jokes for a better cause. They may be playing the part of the piano player in the brothel where Reggie Bush is concered, but they love a good violation that walks up and introduces itself like this one would), the real handcuffs appear to be coming from a player who might just be too image conscious for his own good.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Outrage

Everybody needs to read this article. It's the bizarro world version of the Duke Lacrosse case, except without the attention it deserves. Unfortunately the headline and subtitle are a bit misleading regarding the true nature of the subject, so don't judge based on the opening words - this is about as severe a miscarriage of justice as you're ever going to read about.

The Story of Prisoner F95488

Monday, July 6, 2009

Why I Love Sports

My favorite sport is baseball, I think if for no other reason that whenever I turn on a game or watch one in person, I feel a lot closer to the action than in any other sport. Football players intimidate with their massive, almost freak-show dimensions. Basketball players are too smooth (and freakishly athletic in their own right). But baseball? Even a guy like David Ortiz, or Jonathon "Fat Elvis" Broxton can find a place in baseball. It's a very democratic sport. Even as the game is awash in the dirty stain of the steroids era, I still watch and feel the urge to get out there, that classic "Put me in coach, I'm ready to play" feel we get when we charged out of the Little League dugout. Baseball also serves up the most important lesson of all, the one that I appreciate the most out of sports, the thing that makes me love sports: they remind us how life's not fair.

That sounds like (and I admit, is) a very strange reason to like something. What, you want to be reminded how painful and cruel and unrelenting primal forces of nature beyond your comprehension can be? What are you, some kind of sadist? Maybe this is the wrong reason to like something, but sports has a refreshing, no-bulls&*t quality that is so frequently lacking in other arenas. Either you make contact with the ball or you don't. Either the putt drops...or it doesn't. You catch the pass, or not; you cross the finish line first, second, third, and so forth; you get the idea. So I wouldn't say it's that I enjoy seeing the gut-wrenching emptiness that goes with a valiant effort coming just short, reminding us that there is always a winner and by default a loser; rather, I simply like the black & white nature of the outcomes sport delivers. It isn't about what's the most deserving, least worthy, most compelling, hardest fought - it's the embodiment of the Biblical parable that was so simple and so direct that no less a sports legend than Vince Lombardi made it the crux of his coaching philosophy:
Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain. (First Corinthians, 9:24)
Loose translation: we're all out there trying to win. But There Can Only Be One. One crown, no more and no less, and we are all to be defined by the effort we put forth to get it. That's the only guarantee sports offer: we all love the game, but it's not always going to love us back. In other words: life's not fair. Or, to be a little more hep to the Herm Edwards jive: "I don't care if you've got no wins. You always play...to WIN...THE GAME!! PLAY TO WIN!" But it's not always fair.

If it were, Andy Roddick wouldn't have lost yesterday. If life were fair, Phil Mickelson would have at least one U.S. Open trophy to his name; likewise Sam Snead. Greg Norman might well be the all-time majors winner if life were fair. If life were fair, Mary Decker wouldn't have fallen in the '84 Olympics, Rocco Mediate would've sank that putt on 18 at Torrey Pines, the Browns would've just once gotten to avoid John Elway in the playoffs, Mitch Williams would've pitched a boring 9th inning and given Philly a chance in Game 7, and a thousand other stories just like those, from stages big and small, would've had different, happier endings.

That's the cruel side of sports, the lesson this year's grand Wimbledon final taught us, the one we'd all be well served (no pun intended) to learn: there's only one winner, and that title goes to the player who proves to be the best. They arrive at that distinction by a million and one different variants of travel - no two paths to the champion's circle are precisely the same. Sports in that sense are the purest example of chaos theory at work, showing how the slightest twist and turns in the wind of some far-off place manage to come back around (or, to zero it in for Federer, how a set of worn-out knees that do not belong to him can dramatically alter the landscape for the two biggest tournaments of his career). The win goes not necessarily to the man who deserved it the most, or desired it the most, or even to the one who fought the hardest for it, but the man who somehow found a way to be standing at the end as the best. 15 times now, that's been Roger Federer at the end of a Grand Slam tennis tournament. He's taken on and cut down nearly everybody who's risen to challenge him along the way, the one exception a big one, posing a question that we won't be able to answer until sometime a decade or two from now, when he and Rafael Nadal have finally "played out the string" between themselves. Until that time though, there can be little doubt Federer has played the best tennis this summer despite being pushed and stretched beyond his means on several occasions - twice needing to rescue himself in a fifth set on the way to that elusive French Open, and then seeming to do nothing other than "find...a...way" to outlast Andy Roddick. Sport cliche has taught us that this is called "the mark of a champion", an appropriately vague term. After all, it's not a developed skill, gleaned from a "how-to" booklet or hours of private coaching; instead, it's a special, intangible gift that emerges out of a once-in-a-generation talent.

That there could be such a force of pre-determination, such an iron-clad will inside Federer tested over two dozen times leading up to Sunday's masterpiece...it's the only plausible explanation for how Andy Roddick could manage to win more games in the longest Grand Slam final ever played (77 in total, well past the mark set in 1927, with a final tally of 39 games Roddick, 38 Federer) and still somehow come up on the losing end. Even then, to just watch those figures ignores a career-high 50 aces from Federer, or the clutch backhand winners from Roddick, who not so long ago could hit a backhand at a key moment about as well as Mickelson could hit a driver on the 72nd hole of a U.S. Open. That's yet another dimension where sports reminds us that life's not fair. If it were, we'd play the NCAA Tourament by simulator every year and hand the title to the arbitrary math formula's chosen top team (we still do this, more or less, in NCAA Football - but that's neither here nor there). So we have to say that in almost all sports, maybe the numbers don't lie, but they also don't tell the whole story and they have no say in the final outcome. Yet another marvelous quirk which makes the fields of play a blessed release from a world that too often gets cold and calculative, driven by stats and polls. The irony comes when we reflect on how sports usually serves as a great example of the power of numbers. We obsess over them - batting averages, free-throw attempts, head-to-head records, first-serve percentages, goal differential, wins against an opponent with a certain seed - and often times maniacally so. That is, until things reach the tipping point; then the greatest moments of sport are, without fail, the ones that allow us to revel in how the numbers and the records get gloriously kicked to the curb and produce a moment, a match, a memory which "going by the numbers" should not be allowed to exist. What's that you say - Roddick's a 9-to-1 underdog and has lost to Federer 18 times in 20 matches, usually by comically lopsided scores? Didn't matter at all on this day, except for afterward when the stats crew needed to update the raw data so the media guide would show Federer making it 19 out of 21. To just read that line in a book would be to miss all the drama that had to go on in order to get to that point. No, in sports, numbers do not tell the whole story, even if the BCS would prefer that they do.

Something else sports do for us, something we ought to be quite capable of remembering on our own but somehow can't seem to grasp except in the context of a heartbreaking triple-overtime defeat at the buzzer: we are more than just the one-line entry of "W" or "L". After all, it's just a baseball game, just a tennis match, just a sporting event. To use the words of Brett Favre (who seems capable these days only of stirring in thousands the emotions that would be better spent on meaningful issues): "It's not life or death". Profound insight out of a man from Mississippi, where most of the population would of course say that a simple thing like football is not life or death - it's far more important than that. Yet it's not, and we know this. That's why we often gain in our admiration for a player or a team by how they handle the crushing and undeserving blows dealt to them by fate. Observe the two men who slugged out yesterday's championship. First there is Federer, who nearly broke down after losing "The Greatest Match Ever" in the 2008 Wimbledon Final (to Nadal), and then did precisely that seven months later, having to be hugged by Nadal during the trophy ceremony at the '09 Australian Open. The way he handled defeat - not only the fact that he did it the way most of would, as an aching and distraught human being, but that he redoubled his efforts to capture the next two titles - earned him as many plaudits as each of the 15 Grand Slams.

So it will have to be for Roddick, who now holds the dubious distinction of having more losses to Federer in championship finals than any other player. Nobody save for Nadal has had to go through it more than once, and Nadal at least has the warm comfort of five wins against his two losses, to say nothing of the constant whispers that he may yet eclipse the great Federer when all is said and played. Roddick, on the other hand, has to carry the burden of being simply good, but not blessed with the greatness that comes along only once (and just maybe twice) in a generation. Again, if life (and sports) were fair, he would not have to shoulder that weight. If life were fair, in this case, at some point late in the fifth set (say when it was tied 8-8, or maybe 11-11) Federer would have nobly laid down his weapon and conceded, if only so Roddick could enjoy just one taste of the glory that the Swiss has now experienced six times. But that's not the way it goes. It just can't. We have to go on until somebody wins. If life were fair, "poor Roger" would just have to wait until the U.S. Open to get his inevitable 15th slam, and Roddick would have the one trophy he covets the most.

You could say that is Roddick's curse, that he should steel himself so mightily, reinvigorate his game so thoroughly, and yet be dealt the dead man's hand over and over again. The '09 final was quite literally a reenactment of what it's like to volley against a brick wall - it will continue only so long as you don't make a mistake. The wall isn't going to make one. So it came to pass that Roddick lost on his serve for the first, last, and only time, in the 39th game...and therefore lost the championship. Life is just not fair. We need sports to teach us that, because in the midst of that hard lesson we find so many things to admire and respect about ourselves and our opponents. We come to find that we love the struggle, the purpose, the heroics and the theatrics that are all necesitated by the bottom-line world of sports. We are all running the race, but only one receives the prize. We wouldn't want it any other way.

That's probably why we identify so well with our sports heroes, and also why every so often the face of "the other side" sticks with us. After all, the matches are remembered in pairs, an acknowledgement that one left triupmhant but it damn well took two to tango. That's why we remember Roddick's pained face at the end just as much as Federer's unrestrained joy. For not only are we observing something totally unique that none of us will ever experience, but we simultaneously identify a tiny bit of ourselves in Roddick's plight. There's not much of a communion with the icon as there is with the ones he had to step on to reach that status, even if he did it with exceeding politeness as Federer has done. Fitting then, to see how Roger's BFF is Tiger Woods, as the two of them have found in each other perhaps the only person on the planet who knows what it's like to be them. You can imagine how the AIM sessions go:
-- How'd it go today Rog?
-- Oh, you know. Saved four set points against a guy playing out of his mind. Won the longest Grand Slam final ever. Earned a 6th gold cup. You?
-- Eh, about the same. Drilled a 20-footer on 16 for the win. Runner-up shot a course record 62 but still couldn't touch me.
We stand in awe of such greatness, and rightly so. Yet we observe men like Woods and Federer almost at a distance, as if they are far above the rules, and the failings, that color our experience as mere mortals. That's why the admiration of Federer seemed to grow over the past year, why Nadal has been a welcome addition to his legacy, because the swashbuckler from Mallorca reminded us that yes, indeed, Roger Federer is human and will cry just like all of us after seeing a dream crushed. It's proof that everybody, even the immortal Federer, knows what it's like to be Andy Roddick on Sunday. That Federer could take such defeat and return to the summit didn't make it less comical (in an epic, Greek tragedy kind of way) to listen to him try to console Roddick in the post-match interview. "Don't be too sad, I went through a tough one last year", and it was at that point A-Rod, rather tersely I might add, reminded him that he probably knew enough about the happy times (five) to outlast one haunting defeat. Roddick was left do what we've all been made to do in the area of sport and life: to have to accept you gave everything that was possibly left to give and then some, only to find it somehow wasn't enough. To accept that life's not fair.

As an interesting coda, the running storyline on this final for weeks to come will be about the inherent drama of Federer's quest and Roddick's rebirth, how if either man had cracked just slightly at different points it could've been a very different outcome. We'll hear a lot about how Roddick will surely come to wake up with nightmares at that missed volley in the second set tie-break, at least as often as we'll hear about how he stared down death 10 straight times when Federer was looking to close out the match before finally succumbing. There will be a lot of "had Roddick played anybody except Federer like that, he'd have won", and a few "if he could just take that one shot back..." analyses. But all those are again missing the mark. Roddick knew it afterwards, dismissing the hypotheticals about if Federer was the only man who could've beat him Sunday as "irrelevant". Both before, during, and after the match he very much played the part of Rocky Balboa, even if as a former Grand Slam winner and top-ranked player he was hardly a no-name palooka (and on that note, leave it to Bill Simmons to introduce some cold-hearted levity on the situation: "You're not making me feel sorry for Andy Roddick. He's worth $50 million & married a swimsuit model. Good try though." And yes, that was from his Twitter). Roddick's sole purpose was to push on to the end and not relent until every last ounce of effort had been given. How does a man know he's done all he can? When there's absolutley nothing left to do. At that point something much more lasting than the final result (a simple tally of Win Federer, Loss Roddick) is acheived. Sports are cruel and unfair, telling us in the clearest ways that, yes, first place is reserved for winners - but that doesn't render everyone else a loser. Even if he was more playboy than punching bag, Roddick was in the middle of a great Rocky moment - which by definition comes in defeat (I'm talking about Rocky, not any element in the parade of sequels featuring Hulk Hogan and Mr. T).

The Balboa imagery was alive and well at the end of the match too, the crowd chanting as much if not more for the vanquished, and when the combatants laid down their armor (literally in Roddick's case, tossing his racket toward the bench as he walked to the net) to embrace in an almost-full hug before parting. You could see Federer, very much playing the Apollo Creed role as the impecabbly (if somewhat foolishly) dressed champion, worn out like never before, somehow still upright and still the champ despite being battered-and-bruised beyond his or anybody else's expectations. He leaned to whisper something into Roddick's ear, and vice versa. I'm more than a little tempted to think it went just like it did in 1976: Federer, like Creed in a weak but almost awe-struck tone, "Ain't gonna be no rematch." And Roddick, for reasons more pointed than Balboa but just as heroic: "Don't want one."

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Heavy Artillery

On nights when I would have to work late in Anaheim for Parks & Resorts, there were times when we would actually be restricted from going outside due to "pyro" - fireworks, obviously. The whole backstage buildings and offices would be on lockdown to avoid the shell fallout, and when you're stuck in a sometimes windowless room hearing explosions in the distance lent the experience a very surreal quality.

The "bunker" experience returned tonight on the Independence Day holiday. The economy may be tanking and forcing a lot of cities to downsize or cut off their flashy celebrations, but apparently the city of Bristol had plenty of pyro left in reserve because it was an almost constant stream of bombs bursting in air from 8:00-10:00. And try though I might to get a glimpse of pageantry, I couldn't find these things! They were out there (believe me, I heard) but despite doing several laps to all the different vantage points I could think of, there just wasn't any place to watch it unfold. So I just curled up on the couch and took the long-distance artillery shelling in the way soldiers in the WWI trenches did.

To wrap up this patriotic day, what's a more vibrant symbol of Americana than 44 richly decorated robots? Here's Doris Kearns Goodwin and the Imagineering team discussing the rebooted "Hall of Presidents" at Disney World, which officially re-opened today. Happy 233rd Birthday America:

Friday, July 3, 2009

Coming Attractions

I'm going to make a point of seeing this. It's World War II as seen through the eyes of the man who brought us the entirely new meaning of "Royale with Cheese". To be honest though I can't say if I'm expecting it to be good or to be a spectacularly glorious train wreck. There's only one way to find out...

Thursday, July 2, 2009

I'm Not Saying, I'm Just Saying

There's something wrong with Ron Artest. I'm not calling the guy out (because I know he'll come after me) or saying he wouldn't light me up on the basketball court (because he would, blindfolded and with both hands tied up) and I'm not really saying he bothers me.

I just know there's something wrong with him. It might be okay though, because it seems like whatever it is that's knocked a couple screws loose, it's made him into the player that he is. You know what they say about taking what you've got, "for better or worse", etc, etc. I guess I'm just saying, when this kind of thing comes up in the course of a nonchalant post-game chat, it makes me wonder if Ron-Ron (as he insists on being called) is somehow managing to turn over the motor despite leaving the keys on the kitchen counter:
I remember when I used to play back home in the neighborhood there were always games like that. I remember one time, one of my friends, he was playing basketball and they were winning the game. It was so competitive, they broke off a piece of leg from a table and they threw it and it went right through his heart and he died right on the court.
And thing about this is, if you watch the video, it's not some big, dramatic, "I've seen things you cannot even imagine!" moment. He spins it as if it were just another of those dime-a-dozen "So, this one time me and my buddies..." stories. Hey, life's tough on the New York courts. Every so often a guy will get SPEARED with a table leg, but no biggie. Ball's in!!

I don't know if it should be considered big-deal. I don't think it could be considered normal. I guess you gotta go with whatever works. But there's something wrong about Ron Artest - which of course means he will be an absolutely perfect fit in L.A.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Cleveland, You Never Cease to Amaze Me

I don't have much to contribute today, but I just think Shaquille O'Neal ought to take a good long look at what he's getting himself into. The people in this video are right up there with the residents of Mobile "Who All See the Leprechaun?!?" Alabama...


This is what the bear probably looked like. This "recreation" shows how the bear escaped.

I mean, I can't figure out who looks worse in this: the stunned residents who are sure a black bear is stalking the neighborhood but can't find anything to take a picture of it, or the news reporter who figured it would do wonders for his career by personally having a cardboard cut out stand in for the bear, with the qualifier of, "It looks like this. Except real."

Oooooohhhkkkaaayyy...

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Ozzie Guillen Thought of the Day

I would hardly be the first person to suggest that Ozzie Guillen, the White Sox raging volcano of a manager, would be absolutely electric on his own reality show. Like the other famous reality Oz, Mr. Osbourne, he'd require the censor button about every 9 words and would reliably say something controversial every 4.5 minutes - and he damn sure wouldn't apologize for it.

Take today's press conference after word leaked out that he and fellow Chicago skipper, the Cubs' Lou Piniella, were at the top of a Sports Illustrated players poll concerning the manager they'd least like the play for. "Sweet Lou" clocked in at #1 with 26% of the vote, followed closely by Guillen at 21%:

It's interesting that the top 4 choices on the s&*t list are among some of the most successful managers in baseball history (Torre & LaRussa) as well as two World Series champions (Guillen & Pinella). It also gives one pause to see that Torre has enough of a duality about him to make both this list and the prior week's poll of the skip you'd most want to play for. (Laymen's terms: most players just picked the guy they'd heard a bunch of rumors about and called it a day.)

So here comes Ozzie's response:
"Looks like players picked old-school guys. Maybe they don't like old school, don't like to be told what to do.

"It doesn't bother me. If 59 percent of my players say they like me, that's good enough for me."

Meanwhile, somebody brought up his long-distance love affair with the Beer Garden known as Wrigley Field:

If Cubs fans ever envisioned Ozzie Guillen switching sides of town and becoming the manager of their team, well, it would come with a few demands. The Sox manager addressed the topic without pulling any punches today.

''I never be in Wrigley Field [as Cubs manager],'' Guillen said. ''I don't give a [crap]. I can't I say I don't like Wrigley Field? Why can't I express myself? It's like I don't like to eat chicken. Why I should I have to like Wrigley Field? Whoever gets upset about that? [Bleep] them. I don't like Wrigley Field. What's wrong with that? I wish I could do something about it. The governor of Chicago, please, build another one. I don't know why people make such a big deal that I don't like Wrigley field. I don't work for Wrigley Field. I might manage the Cubs. No, not Wrigley Field. I hate that [expletive] place.''

Seriously, if this guy isn't on his own reality program in the next offseason for the MLB Network, a golden opportunity has gone by the boards.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Henman Hill in Panorama

Unfortunately, when taking (and then later stitching) together photos from my "ancient" first-generation iPhone, the resulting magnificent vista can't really be shown in high definition. Click on the photo to get a much better (and larger) appreciation of the sight. This was my vantage point from the bottom of the hill during a late-evening tour of the grounds on Saturday: as you might suspect, this was during the third round match of local favorite Andy Murray, which he won with relative ease in straight sets.

That was not the case tonight as Murray battled it out with Stanislas Wawrinka for close to four hours under the brand-spanking new roof, which when illuminated in the night makes it appear that a gigantic marshmellow spaceship has landed in southwest London - but hopefully has no plans to harm our planet:


While admirers of enthralling tennis (and television bosses, particularly the BBC which airs Wimbledon in primetime and not against Oprah and the afternoon soaps like ESPN) were ecstatic about the roof's deployment, the man who won the five-setter was not a fan:
“Both of us were trying to get white towels from the locker room because your hands were drenched,” Murray told reporters after the match. “When I finished, it was like I’d been in a bath. It was very, very, very humid.”
Sounds like Andy Murray should pay a visit to Finnegan's on a Thursday when school is in session, eh?

Saturday, June 27, 2009

When Did Noah Build the Ark?

Well, the week is wrapped up here at Wimbledon, save one five-set epic going on over at No. 1 court between a pair of swashbucklers, Spain's Juan Carlos Ferrero and Chile's Fernando Gonzalez. You've heard of him, right Thomas?

The big buzz during the first week of play in SW19 (Wimbledon's post code, for those of you in the dark) has been the decisive lack thereof. After the dropping out of defending champ Rafael Nadal due to lingering knee problems, it seems like this particular Wimbledon is missing the traditional simmering of tension, the looming sense of excitement that a clash between the game's two giants, Nadal and Roger Federer, is coming. There are of course great storylines: the resurgence of Andy Roddick, fresh from his best-ever showing at the French Open, seeking to redeem a second-round loss from last year; a potential encore of last year's all-Williams final on the ladies' side; the Cinderella run of the 17-year old American Melanie Oudin; and of course the great British (or is he Scottish only?) hope of Andy Murray, trying to become the first Brit to win the Championships in some 70-odd years. But for all the interesting angles, I kid you not, press conferences have been reduced to quizzing Roddick about a back-and-forth with his wife (Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker) on Twitter where he criticized her musical tastes and she his. The exchange, verbatim:
Roddick had written on his Twitter feed that he was going to ban his swimsuit model wife Brooklyn from bringing her iPod into the kitchen.

"Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, I feel like it's a 24-hour loop of the Disney Channel," he wrote.

she retaliated by saying: "One of his favourites is Rick Astley (enough said). He knows a few 'N Sync dances, and he LOVES Kelly Clarkson. I promise he is far worse."

Quizzed on his taste in music, Roddick told reporters: "What do you want me to say? I said I wasn't proud, but I'm not going to lie to anybody. I busted my wife on some of her ... music. She brought up Rick Astley. I can't deny it. It's in my iPod. I bet it's in your iPod, too, so shut up."
I hereby solemnly declare that Rick Astley has not, and never will be, on my iPod. Sorry A-Rod.

If there's one absence which has managed to upstage Nadal's, it's most definitely been the daily disappointment that has come with not being able to utilize the massive, translucent quasi-greenhouse roof installed over Centre Court for the purposes of eliminating the rain delays for which Wimbledon is famous (last year's epic final between Federer and Nadal took almost 9 hours of real-time to complete due to massive showers). But with the exception of some sprinkles this evening, the weather has been nothing short of glamorous all week. Everybody's on a knife's edge wondering when the legendarily tempestous England summer is going to arrive and finally give the All England Club the chance to unveil their shiny new toy. But even in staying put, the roof has already created an unheard-of new species: Englishmen and woman who are royally pissed off at how nice the weather is!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Farewell, Captain EO...

I could flesh out some thoughts on this, but unfortunately I'm still a very young face in the blogging world and I can't do anything but follow the crowd today: the news cycle, the blogosphere, the Twitter-verse, Facebook Nation, and MySpace planet are all communicating on the same wavelength: Michael Jackson has passed away.

This was the final chapter of a long, bizarre descent for "The King of Pop" who had as many awkward "WTF?" moments over the past 15 years as he did hit singles in the previous 15. The guy had a chimpanzee named Bubbles following him around! He was a lot of things to a lot of people, but I choose to recognize what was one of the finest acting performance in the theme park 3-D film history (note: I'm not entirely sure this should be considered a compliment).

Ladies and Gentleman, I salute you, Captain EO.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

SW19 Will See Your Butler Cabin and Raise You The Royal Box

Dedicated American sports fans would narrow the list of "the most traditional sports event" to a few choice selections: certain college football programs, venerable baseball/football franchises like the Yankees, Packers, Red Sox, etc. But I'd bet the number one answer in that Family Feud survey would be "The Masters" (Certainly, CBS reminds us about this at every opportunity). But whoever came up with "a tradition unlike any other" has never been to a little strip of houses and lawns in the southwest corner of London known as Wimbledon.

Amidst the majestic trees of Augusta, everybody gets treated like royalty. But what would they say to the grounds of the All England Lawn Tennis Club, where on any given moment the patrons may actually be royalty? Everything at Wimbledon revolves around a tradition so old there's nobody within four or five generation who actually remembers why it got started. It's the ultimate delivery of the classic Fiddler on the Roof line: "How did this tradition get started? I'll tell you....I don't know. It's just tradition!"

The first couple days of the tournament have gone swimmingly, but I'm still in the middle of trying to re-acclimate to Europe. I spent a glorious summer in Dublin back in 2005, but never got a chance to make it to London until now. Certainly I've seen Wimbledon on television dozens of times, but the place has such an intimate, up-close feel. Most of the players rent houses and apartments just a few blocks (at most) from the entrance gates and walk freely among the pubs and shops along High Street in between matches. There's a great story of how, after losing one of the classic finals in all Wimbledon history (a five-setter to wild-card entry Goran Ivanesevic), Patrick Rafter headed down to the Dog & Fox Pub in Wimbledon Village and bought a round for the house. So while a fair comparison in terms of stature and power membership might be a lofty perch like Augusta National, I think a more legit parallel to the AELTC would be Bethpage Black, the municipal course which hosted the just-concluded US Open. Just like there, the locals feel an intense, prideful ownership over the place and welcome the world's best with open arms (not to mention LOTS of strawberries and cream. There is only one item that never leaves the menu down at the media 'canteen', and it unfortunately isn't the prime rib. That's okay, but there's only so much prime rib a man could consume anyway.)

One thing does throw you for the first few days in Europe, and that's the incredible length of the days. It's 9:40 here and the sunlight is just starting to fade, and it'll be up at full blast again before 6 AM. This affords us an opportunity for long, uninterrupted broadcasts that stretch from noon-10pm local time (7am-5pm back in the States). So to close with a perfectly shameless plug, tune in to ESPN2 every day during the week for all your Wimbledon needs.

Friday, June 19, 2009

A Generation Gap

It could be merely a sign that I have far too much idle time to kill, but I find myself strangely invested in the ongoing late-night "wars", such as they are, with Conan, Dave, Jimmy, Jimmy, Craig, and a soon-to-be-revived Jay doing their subtle back-and-forth from across the airwaves. So this is what all the adults were gabbing about in the summer of '92 like it was some big deal! Here I thought it was just about the Olympics Triple-Cast! (If you have no idea what this is, I suggest you read up here. The OTC was further proof that genius is always one generation ahead of its time, because today we take for granted that any sporting event above junior-college football will be given the full-on treatment by no fewer than five networks. Observe the ongoing US Open - you can watch on ESPN, NBC, the USGA website, ESPN's website, your iPhone, ESPNNews, or any one of several stationary channel cameras on DirecTV. It's enough to make you think you're in the control truck on site at Bethpage! But back in 1992, the concept of extra channels providing exclusive start-to-finish coverage of sports was so revolutionary...they wanted you to pay for it through the nose. As a result, by my count, more people have signed up as followers of this blog - look to the right, we've hit seven! - than did for the OTC. If you couldn't have already guessed, I remember this all vividly because we actually had the Triple-Cast. And at the time, bragging about being able to watch four different channels of Olympics coverage was akin to claiming a Unicorn was on your front lawn. People heard about it but never saw proof it existed. NBC got a few maniacs like us on board, but still wound up $100 million in the red -yet they paved the way for the all-access coverage we demand out of today's sport media.)

But with the long aside about the Triple-Cast out of the way, I turn back to the current state of affairs in late night TV. The numbers keep rolling in, and they keep showing David Letterman and Conan O'Brien jockeying for the pole position in total viewers, with Letterman coming out in front most nights. Conan retains a vice-like grip on the younger audience though, and the younger the age-window, the more lopsided the comparison is. I could do a long-winded exegesis on what these TV preferences say about the gap between generations, but I think the material speaks for itself. Witness Conan's leveraging of his own set for comedy's sake:


NBC is banking getting the best of both worlds - the generation that grew up with Nintendo follows Conan to 11:30. Their grandparents come back to NBC in September to watch Jay Leno at 10pm and tune out David Letterman, just like they did before the Tonight Show transition. Everybody in Universal City goes home a winner. You know what they say about best-laid plans, though...

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Twitter-verse

The results from today's Crosstown game were decidedly less satisfying...Moving on.

I don't know if it has officially entered the dictionary, but if I have to lay bets on what will wind up being the Word of the Year, I'm betting the farm on "twitter". It's a noun, a verb, an adjective, and every so often a complete sentence all on its own. How did we find out Shaquille O'Neal and Paul Pierce's opinions on the NBA Finals? How did we learn that Oprah needs a suggestion on how to get ticks off a dog? The latest news and initiatives from that guy in the White House? Not to mention his loyal opposition? How about the really mundane s&*t like what Ashton Kutcher had for breakfast, USC coach Pete Carroll's choice for Song of the Day, or what Alex Richanbach of the acclaimed short film Stealing Second is up to? (This last one is a personal favorite of mine; I check it every day in the hopes that something useful will pop up. No luck so far, but I have to admit I'm jealous of how he apparently was in the vicinity of Al Pacino at the Denver Airport's Panda Express.) It was all via Twitter. It seems appropriate that this week, as golf's premier national championship is being contested on a true public course (for $50, anybody can play Bethpage Black), we were privy to up-to-the-second updates from numerous journalists and golfers on the playing conditions that ultimately led to a suspension of play. Twitter's become so prevalent in such a short timespan that ESPN's coverage of the rain delay led with Ian Poulter's "tweet" from the practice putting green: a very deadpan "Where's my canoe?"

I can't pin it on any one moment - perhaps it was the cover of Time three weeks ago, or how seemingly every show at ESPN now comes with the "Follow us on Twitter..." bug in the bottom third of the screen, or the inexplicable amount of press coverage devoted to Kutcher's "bet" with CNN over who could reach 1 million followers on Twitter first - but Twitter seems to be rapidly taking over our daily lives. As Conan O'Brien deadpanned last night, "It's tough to believe that only one year ago, man was totally in the dark about what Wilmer Valderamma had for lunch." A couple friends from my previous life out in California circled the rounds on Twitter breaking down all the latest minutiae from Parks & Resorts. My former colleague Allen was particularly amused by one report on the flurry of Twittering caused by a failure of a key Fantasmic show element:
OnFantasmic:"The lack of dragon nearly instntly sent rippls through the
Twitterverse as fans sent out dsappontd Tweets" LOLThe twitterverse!
I was laughing too, Allen. But just beneath the laughter was a very serious point, one I think we're taking for granted as too ludicrous to be taken seriously. While it does sound (and on many levels is) very funny and moronic, Twitter has rapidly evolved into precisely what that reporter was talking about - it's own freaking little miniaturized version of the universe, duping us into thinking that Oprah and Obama, Shaq and Kobe, ESPN and CBS are just like the neighbors next door who pop in to borrow a cup of sugar. Is this a good thing or the signal that western civilization as we know it is about to crumble until we cannot fathom a moment when we didn't communicate via 140-character, horrendously grammar-inaccurate internet posts? I'm undecided at this time. Just be warned though, over-indulgence on Twitter can lead to harsh consequences. Observe what happened to ESPN's Kenny Mayne: