Thursday, July 30, 2009

First Rule of Golf: Always Know Whose Fault it is That You Suck

Sometimes the only thing you can muster up for a blog post is passing along the brilliance of others. (I do this quite frequently when speaking also...people are away of this and avoid me at parties. Often, as a sign of their respect, they don't even invite me. At least I think that's how the quote is supposed to go.)

I was sitting in the lounge today watching coverage of the U.S. Senior Open, and it occurred to me with a scan of the leaderboard (Greg Norman in first position, followed closely by names like Loren Roberts, Tom Lehman, Scott Simpson, Fred Funk, Bernhard Langer, & Jeff Sluman) that the uninformed viewer could easily have confused this for a replay of 1989 "regular" U.S. Open. And as last week's British Senior Open showed, the more things change, the more they stay the same whenever Greg Norman is leading early in a major tournament.

Norman, who fired a 64 on Saturday to take the 54-hole lead at the elder British championship, not only completed another come-from-ahead tumble for a sixth place finish, he caught the flack from pundits when he fielded a question on if he might not have gagged away quite so many majors in his prime had his current wife, tennis star Chris Evert, been by his side. The Shark's response? "Chrissie would've have instilled a different thought process...the answer would probably be 'yes'."

For background, Norman and his wife of 25 years, Laura, did not exactly part on friendly terms and the divorce cost The Shark a nice chunk of change. It's only natural to think of a second spouse as perhaps a bit of needed fresh air on the heels of an acrimonious ending to the previous relationship. But to suggest his wife had some kind of a Vulcan mind-meld ability over him during his dozen infamous collapses? C'mon Greg. So from here I pass the keyboarding baton to Patrick Smith of The Australian:
Laura's thought processes must have been pretty good during his 88 international tournament victories and his two British Open wins but, apparently, she just got ornery at the Masters, the US Open and the US PGA.

Like the 1986 PGA when Bob Tway holed out from a bunker on the 18th. Bloody Laura. Or the US Open the same year when Norman shot a final-round 75 after leading. The bitch. Then a year later Larry Mize holes out from hell on the 11th, second hole of a play-off for the Masters. Quit playing with his mind, woman. Or in the 1989 British Open playoff when he whacked the ball dead into a fairway bunker. Damn you Laura.

No, the Shark is right. It is Laura's fault he lost the big ones. She played the shots, they were her hands that tightened until the knuckles turned white on the club, her choice to hit it wild right on the last in the 1986 Masters.

She was the one who shook so much that Norman could barely take the club back when the big ones were there for the taking. It was her mind that raced through the gears: from panic, to fear, to frozen. Had nothing to do with Faldo sitting on his shoulder. It was Laura who didn't think that bunker could possibly be in play at Troon.

And back at the British Open last year at Royal Birkdale it was Laura who stuffed up the fairytale story of the old champ coming back at 53 to win. He led by two shots with a round to go. Then he blew it. Sorry, Laura blew it. As always.
Reminded me of a quote I read - I think it was from the Golfer's Edition of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books: "Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole in one."

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Brain Dropping Of the Day

I was cleaning up the bill at dinner tonight when the waitress asked me if I wanted dessert. I pondered about it for a moment and then decided, "Screw it, let's not be concerned about how unhealthy it is. If something tastes good, it's bad for you. Otherwise, we'd all live forever."

So I got the Kit Kat Sundae. I don't even want to think about how many calories (and grams of fat) it must've piled on. The thing tasted good.

I'll have something worth contributing tomorrow...I think.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Buehrle's Perfect Day

Finally unwound from an unexpectedly taxing journey home and back in the business of bringing championship tennis to the masses. One of the rarest sporting events happened to take place during the trip also - a perfect game in baseball, only the 18th in modern times (read: since 1893) and it just happened to be thrown by one of the last guys you'd ever pick to pitch a perfect game.

Now, there have been some perfect games that have a "bolt out of the blue" quality to them - Don Larsen, Mike Witt, Tom Browning, for example - but the list of pitchers who've thrown one is pretty exclusive company. Cy Young, Sandy Koufax, Jim Bunning, Catfish Hunter, & Randy Johnson are all on the list and are either in the Hall of Fame or going to be. Other names like Dennis Martinez, David Wells, Kenny Rogers, and David Cone were peak pitchers for a long time - the fewest wins among them is Cone with 194 for his career. Point being, more often than not, to throw a perfect game is to cement legendary status.

And this time it was done by a guy who has, quite deservedly, a reputation as one of the most "hittable" pitchers in baseball! Opponents hit .268 against him for his career - for comparison's sake, the other five pitchers who've thrown at least two no-hitters with one being a perfect game were Koufax, Bunning, Johnson, Young, and old-time Addie Joss. Only one of them (Young) allowed opponents to hit better than .250 against him for a career. Guys hit Buehrle at an almost .270 clip, he doesn't strike guys out, and doesn't possess the dominating sinker or overpowering fastball to lead to ground balls and pop-ups. Yet he wins (every year as a starter he's reached double-digit victories) and, more endearingly, he just works fast. To say he's a left-handed Greg Maddux would be a fair statement, even if Maddux was blessed with slightly better "stuff" that turned him into a 300-game winner.

How does he do it? Probably just by sitting back and not thinking it over too much. On the long list of things to admire about Buehrle, his work rhythm is the best. The perfect game took only 2 hours and 3 minutes, and that's including dead time for TV commercials. Buehrle once pitched a game that took just 1 hour and 39 minutes total (around 63 minutes of actual game time when you subtract TV delays). As Richard Roeper once said, "Fans love it. Beer vendors hate it. When Buehrle's on the mound, they know they'll have less than two hours to make their money."

As I type this, the crafty vet from St. Charles, Missouri just set down his 15th Twin in a row, setting a new major league record in the process with 43 consecutive batters retired. If this keeps up he'll probably get dragged on to the Late Show for an in-person appearance, but last night's Top 10 list was reward enough. For your viewing pleasure:

Monday, July 27, 2009

"We Don't Have Enough Fuel to Make It"

Words you always love to hear coming out of the cockpit when flying into the teeth of a tornado advisory. The past five-day weekend attending Mike & Meg's wedding in South Bend was fantastic, but the last leg of the journey was a colossal nightmare. It's just not normal when the captain is forced to do laps in the air for 40 minutes (I was, quite literally, in a holding patten) and then divert to Albany because we don't have enough fuel to keep stalling while we wait for the weather to clear into LaGuardia.

Which I'm not sure it ever did. The last time I checked, my flight which was supposed to be landing at 5:00pm had still not landed as of 10:20. By that time I had hopped on the Amtrak from Albany to Penn Station and proceeded to catch the MTA North Shore home, finally reaching the finish line some 14 hours after the journey started. I could've just about driven from Chicago to Bristol in the time wasted trying to get there by plane and train. So the lesson of that 1987 John Hughes classic still rings true today: when forced to choose, always go with the automobile.

Anyway, apart from the odyssey of returning to central Connecticut, it was a great weekend and a special time for Mike and Meghan, who are sitting on a beach drinking daiquiris right now while I run from the rainstorms that seem to have taken up a permanent residence in the Northeast. Lucky them. Rest easy on the sands of Oahu this week kids - you earned it.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Bobby Jenks is Killing My Fantasy Team

Seriously, Bobby. Seriously.

As an alternative theory: Bobby knows he's been mentioned in possible trades (though that was a far more distinct possibility back when the Sox were on the verge of tumbling out of the race, not when they're 1 FLIPPIN' GAME OUT OF FIRST). So either he really wants to boost his chances of being traded by insuring the Sox drop so many games they have no choice but to slash their assets like Crazy Eddie, or he loves this team so much he can't bear the thought of looking good to potential buyers on the market. It's one or the other, because nothing else explains this. Except maybe all the doughnuts that go missing from the clubhouse spread; I have a strong suspicion Alexei Ramirez is not the one wolfing them down.

Monday, July 20, 2009

When Job Worlds Collide

I was scrolling through the billion and one (that's an approximate number) of channels we get at ESPN central feed last month when I noticed some video getting fed on the uplink from Anaheim: Kobe Bryant's Main Street victory parade. At the time I was like, "Apparently my old division, parks & resorts - specifically the Disneyland resort - is just going to hunt me down no matter where I go." Tonight, I was once again proven correct on this count.

It started innocently enough. I'm working for our tennis production department and during the seven weeks between the end of Wimbledon and the start of the US Open, we have a tournament per weekend which is part of the "US Open Series", sort of a round-robin at various sites throughout the country (this weekend for example, Indianapolis). But next weekend? Los Angeles, specifically the UCLA campus. My producer asks me to please compile a reel of "scenics" - these are the nice, high definition camera shots of famous landmarks and iconic places throughout the city where any event might be taking place, usually so we can have a nice shot to transition between games or matches or to lay advertisements over (example: if you watched Wimbledon coverage, you'd note how ads for IBM always had Buckingham Palace in the background).

So I pull a bunch of Los Angeles scenics from our archive and get ready to parse it down into one tidy clip reel. It's about 8 tapes, helpfully labeled as to what is on each (LAX, Santa Monica Pier, Sunset Strip, etc.) But one tape is just labeled "LA, Reel 1". So this first...the very first tape...I pop it in and what comes up on the monitor? Mickey, Donald, & Goofy standing smack in the middle of Sunshine Plaza at DCA (that's Disney's California Adventure for those of who not up with all the Disney "cast member" slang), waving to the camera. I couldn't help but wonder if somebody is trying to send me a message. I think what some of the old-timers at Parks & Resorts warned me about was true: The Resort is just gonna follow me around forever, like a sad little puppy begging for attention. It's not that bad really - I have a lot fond memories of the place and hey, you could be followed around by a lot worse things.

Anyway, there was a good amount of DLR footage so maybe you'll see it used as a scenic setting during next weekend's coverage of the LA Tennis Open. Or not.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Just Another Case of The Man Keeping You Down

Not long before this year's British Open (or simply The Open as it is called everywhere except here in the United States; note - this is not just another example of American jingoism. We use the moniker because we too have what any real golf fan calls "The Open". We need some kind of measure for distinction), I read an article analzying recent success stories at the ultimate test of links golf. One of the key conclusions was that Tom Watson was likely the best links golfer of the last 50 years, a fact backed up by five British Open victories on five different courses during his career.

So here's Watson at age 59 leading The Open heading to the weekend. But he better enjoy it while it lasts, because under the rules and eligibility established by the older-than-dirt Royal & Ancient which oversees the championship, this very well could be his last one:
Here's a little wrinkle: The Royal & Ancient Golf Club has decreed that nobody over the age of 60 can play in a British Open. So all of a sudden, the greatest links player in history is down to one-and-a-half Britishes.

On its face, it seems to make sense, in a curiously unsentimental way -- nobody wants to see a bunch of old geezers doddering their way around a course. The oldest major winner was Julius Boros at the PGA in 1968 -- age 48 -- and the oldest to win the British was Old Tom Morris at age 46, which happened nearly a century and a half ago. So there's not exactly precedent for what Watson's doing right now.

The list of exemption rules for the British Open, like all majors, is a mile long, but the basic thrust is this: Watson can play next year on his Open-winner exemption, but that's it -- unless, of course, he turns in another outstanding tournament and records a top-10 finish in 2010. And then the question comes -- after such a magnificent performance this year, does Watson get another exemption? Or does he get a handshake and sent off into that Scottish night?
It would be quite a story for a guy with 13 full years on a winner they called Old Tom Morris to somehow walk off with golf's oldest trophy. But don't etch his name to the Jug yet. Even so, can't we all just agree that certain players do enough to warrant a lifetime exemption? The Masters does this. The U.S. Open does this. The PGA does it too. Why not just like the old guys have their two rounds and give the fans a chance to see the legends of the game walk alongside the next generation(s)? Just goes to show you that even snobby old white dudes can be straightjacketed by The Man sometimes.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

There's Only One Reason I'd Go on That Field

It could have been just me, but it seemed like every person I know in the greater Chicago area was at the Billy Joel/Elton John concert tonight. Here I am tucked away on a dark and stormy night in Connecticut (seriously, the power went out tonight, and for a solid 25 seconds a steady stream of lightning flashes kept illuminating the house like it was broad daylight. It was a scene straight out of James Whale's 1931 version of Frankenstein. I digress - apologies).

As I was about to be saying, I usually avoid going to Wrigley Field on principal unless the Sox are playing a Crosstown game there, but it occurred to me that such a night like tonight would give me the opportunity to do something I have (and I'm sure Ozzie Guillen has too) always dreamed of doing: literally take a dump on that landfill-excuse of a stadium.

I correct myself on this: Ozzie doesn't dream about doing this. Dollars-to-doughnuts he's done it a dozen times already. And of course I wouldn't worry about getting caught. Somebody would have to be able to separate my contribution from the baseball team which is on that field the rest of the time!

Anyway, here's a picture Erin e-mailed from her phone:

Killer seats. I would actually have enjoyed being that close to the Piano Man.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Handle With Care

"You know, Hunter S Thompson once said to me: the movie business is a cruel and shallow money trench, where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. Then he added, 'There's also a negative side'."
-- Bruce Willis, while playing "Bruce Willis" in the movie What Just Happened?

One of my favorite things is hearing the crazy, down-is-up "tales from the wars" about the litany of failed projects, doomed ideas, and absolutely bats&*t nutso personalities that litter the minefield known as Los Angeles, CA and its favored business - known as The Business to Hollywood types. Personally, these guys can all take a long walk off a short pier. Kevin Smith illustrates why in this 20-minute excerpt from his Q&A tour on college campuses (note: definitely NOT suitable for work, unless you're wearing headphones and are locked in a room where nobody else can see/hear what you're watching).


Now I have to concede that for all the ripping I do on it (mostly deserved, I'll add), it's certainly not like Hollywood is the only place where people can be horrendously bad at their job yet meet with tremendous success. It's simply that Los Angeles is far and away the #1 place where the people who've mastered the art of failing upwards can be rightfully mocked for it.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Pictures Say 1,000 Words

This is your brain:


This is your brain on drugs:


Any questions?

Monday, July 13, 2009

Look At Those Hippos, They're Wiggling Their Ears

For anybody who's ever had to work the quintessential "pay the dues" jobs in dogged pursuit of the dream that seems to get farther away the more you give chase...perhaps you don't want to watch this video, now that I think about it. Weird Al Yankovic, master of the song parody, tackles the somewhat nomadic existence of a Disney Cast Member. There are definitely some Jungle Cruise skippers out there who are highly amused tonight...if they aren't weeping at how close to home this one hits.

Skipper Dan

Friday, July 10, 2009

Solutions for Problems That Don't Exist

Apple recently trumpeted the news of how the iTunes App Store, an open marketplace for software developers to craft applications used on the iPhone and iPod Touch, just hit its first birthday . And my, how it's grown over one calendar year - when introduced it provided about 500 applications. Today? 55,000 and counting.

Of course, in a sample size that big, you're gonna find some applications that border on genius (I basically can't imagine my world without the MLB At-Bat application, particularly now that it provides streaming video of White Sox games direct to my phone), some that are superfluous at best, and more than a few that are downright stupid. To wit:

Fortune Magazine's 10 Dumbest iPhone Apps

The amazing thing is that a number of these colossal wastes of time and energy (on the part of the developers, to say nothing of the saps who would actually think that they were useful) is that most of them charge for their service. You're reading it right, there apparently is a healthy, robust market of people who will pay for the right to download a file that will make it appear as if your phone has a zipper. Personally, I would've paid to see the thought process of the guys in the software department who thought up #8 on the list. I'm not gonna spoil it with my own snarky commentary, you'll just have to click and read for yourself.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Like I Said

Ron Artest is gonna fit right in. At yesterday's press conference, his rational for choosing the #37 with the Lakers (he's previously gone a little off the beaten path with number selection). But this...skip ahead to 1:33 in the video for the part that has me picking my jaw off the floor, and not precisely in "Where Amazing Happens!" context. The analysis before that about the proper usage of the word "hoodalize" is also gold, but just watch at the 1:33 mark:


He starts off well enough, posing his number selection as an egalitarian process complete with ideas submitted on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc (note to athletes: you're not a true man of the people until you incorporate services on at least two social networking sites). Then he somehow manages pluck out 37 because it stands for the same number of weeks that Thriller was the #1 album, and after all, "I'm number one in my life". I personally often have difficulty cracking the top five in my own life, so hats off to you, Ron Ron. This man and Los Angeles were made for each other.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Shocking Video LeBron DOESN'T Want You To See!

No, not that kind of video. Thank God. But apparently, there are some humbling experiences that The King will not suffer, chief among them the implication that a mere mortal from an Atlantic-10 school could dunk on him. Excerpt:
You want to see video of Xavier's Jordan Crawford dunking on LeBron James?

If so, too bad.

Because you're not going to see it.

Thanks to Nike.

Turns out, there were at least two cameras rolling Monday night when Crawford dunked on James during a pick-up game here at the LeBron James Skills Academy. It was a two-handed jam, the kind that would've circulated quickly on YouTube. But Nike officials eliminated that possibility shortly after the dunk happened by allegedly confiscating tapes from various cameramen.

Freelance photographer Ryan Miller was one of the cameramen shooting the game.

He told CBSSports.com that Nike Basketball Senior Director Lynn Merritt took his tape.

"He just said, 'We have to take your tape,'" Miller said. "They took it from other guys, too."

Worth noting is that there is no policy against filming at the LeBron James Skills Academy, and Miller said he had been filming all day without incident. Nobody ever told him to stop. Nobody ever said there was a problem ... until after Crawford dunked on James.
Crawford, a transfer from Indiana, apparently "posterized" LeBron not once but twice during the scrimmage. Reading further, it sounds like Nike officials were actually acting at the behest of LeBron and his entourage. To which I say: Why? What's the big deal? If anything, confiscating all proof that the dunk took place doesn't really do anything except enhance the legend. It's like the story about the investment bank CEO who beat MJ one-on-one (40-year old MJ, it should be noted). You hear about it and figure, Damn, this I gotta see, only to watch the footage and try to decipher what the hype was all about. Leaving this thing to the imagination means it's going to live on a lot longer than it would have during it's one week of internet glory.

Of course, would MJ in his prime, right where LeBron is now, have been big enough to let himself be shown up by a supposed nobody? I'm hesitant to say - we all know the stories of Michael's competitiveness and the assaults he would let out in frustration on teammates and opponents alike. Those were especially controlling during his younger, more formative days in the league. So I can get why LeBron's got just a little too much pride to let word spread about how some amateur dunked on him, but by sending in the goons to destroy the evidence he's now created the myth of "this dude who dunked on LeBron", and it's gonna spread faster and hang around longer than any viral video would have via YouTube.

I just can't close my eyes and imagine how it would've been so brutal anyway. What, if Garnett scales the castle wall next season is LeBron gonna go up to an ESPN cameraman during the timeout and demand they erase the tapes? I think the biggest question that should be asked is why would Nike go along with this? How did you fail to see an opportunity here? Pass this thing off as another installment of the HyperDunk series (you know, like how Kobe jumped over an Aston Martin?) and the thing would sell like hotcakes - Wear the shoes and YOU TOO can get mad air over King James!. They wouldn't even have to make some laughable attempt to convince us it wasn't CGI, because according to plenty of people who were there it really happened. Of course, apart from the obvious reason that Crawford's amateur status makes any attempt at marketing the moment a NCAA investigation waiting to happen (and spare the NCAA competency jokes for a better cause. They may be playing the part of the piano player in the brothel where Reggie Bush is concered, but they love a good violation that walks up and introduces itself like this one would), the real handcuffs appear to be coming from a player who might just be too image conscious for his own good.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Outrage

Everybody needs to read this article. It's the bizarro world version of the Duke Lacrosse case, except without the attention it deserves. Unfortunately the headline and subtitle are a bit misleading regarding the true nature of the subject, so don't judge based on the opening words - this is about as severe a miscarriage of justice as you're ever going to read about.

The Story of Prisoner F95488

Monday, July 6, 2009

Why I Love Sports

My favorite sport is baseball, I think if for no other reason that whenever I turn on a game or watch one in person, I feel a lot closer to the action than in any other sport. Football players intimidate with their massive, almost freak-show dimensions. Basketball players are too smooth (and freakishly athletic in their own right). But baseball? Even a guy like David Ortiz, or Jonathon "Fat Elvis" Broxton can find a place in baseball. It's a very democratic sport. Even as the game is awash in the dirty stain of the steroids era, I still watch and feel the urge to get out there, that classic "Put me in coach, I'm ready to play" feel we get when we charged out of the Little League dugout. Baseball also serves up the most important lesson of all, the one that I appreciate the most out of sports, the thing that makes me love sports: they remind us how life's not fair.

That sounds like (and I admit, is) a very strange reason to like something. What, you want to be reminded how painful and cruel and unrelenting primal forces of nature beyond your comprehension can be? What are you, some kind of sadist? Maybe this is the wrong reason to like something, but sports has a refreshing, no-bulls&*t quality that is so frequently lacking in other arenas. Either you make contact with the ball or you don't. Either the putt drops...or it doesn't. You catch the pass, or not; you cross the finish line first, second, third, and so forth; you get the idea. So I wouldn't say it's that I enjoy seeing the gut-wrenching emptiness that goes with a valiant effort coming just short, reminding us that there is always a winner and by default a loser; rather, I simply like the black & white nature of the outcomes sport delivers. It isn't about what's the most deserving, least worthy, most compelling, hardest fought - it's the embodiment of the Biblical parable that was so simple and so direct that no less a sports legend than Vince Lombardi made it the crux of his coaching philosophy:
Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain. (First Corinthians, 9:24)
Loose translation: we're all out there trying to win. But There Can Only Be One. One crown, no more and no less, and we are all to be defined by the effort we put forth to get it. That's the only guarantee sports offer: we all love the game, but it's not always going to love us back. In other words: life's not fair. Or, to be a little more hep to the Herm Edwards jive: "I don't care if you've got no wins. You always play...to WIN...THE GAME!! PLAY TO WIN!" But it's not always fair.

If it were, Andy Roddick wouldn't have lost yesterday. If life were fair, Phil Mickelson would have at least one U.S. Open trophy to his name; likewise Sam Snead. Greg Norman might well be the all-time majors winner if life were fair. If life were fair, Mary Decker wouldn't have fallen in the '84 Olympics, Rocco Mediate would've sank that putt on 18 at Torrey Pines, the Browns would've just once gotten to avoid John Elway in the playoffs, Mitch Williams would've pitched a boring 9th inning and given Philly a chance in Game 7, and a thousand other stories just like those, from stages big and small, would've had different, happier endings.

That's the cruel side of sports, the lesson this year's grand Wimbledon final taught us, the one we'd all be well served (no pun intended) to learn: there's only one winner, and that title goes to the player who proves to be the best. They arrive at that distinction by a million and one different variants of travel - no two paths to the champion's circle are precisely the same. Sports in that sense are the purest example of chaos theory at work, showing how the slightest twist and turns in the wind of some far-off place manage to come back around (or, to zero it in for Federer, how a set of worn-out knees that do not belong to him can dramatically alter the landscape for the two biggest tournaments of his career). The win goes not necessarily to the man who deserved it the most, or desired it the most, or even to the one who fought the hardest for it, but the man who somehow found a way to be standing at the end as the best. 15 times now, that's been Roger Federer at the end of a Grand Slam tennis tournament. He's taken on and cut down nearly everybody who's risen to challenge him along the way, the one exception a big one, posing a question that we won't be able to answer until sometime a decade or two from now, when he and Rafael Nadal have finally "played out the string" between themselves. Until that time though, there can be little doubt Federer has played the best tennis this summer despite being pushed and stretched beyond his means on several occasions - twice needing to rescue himself in a fifth set on the way to that elusive French Open, and then seeming to do nothing other than "find...a...way" to outlast Andy Roddick. Sport cliche has taught us that this is called "the mark of a champion", an appropriately vague term. After all, it's not a developed skill, gleaned from a "how-to" booklet or hours of private coaching; instead, it's a special, intangible gift that emerges out of a once-in-a-generation talent.

That there could be such a force of pre-determination, such an iron-clad will inside Federer tested over two dozen times leading up to Sunday's masterpiece...it's the only plausible explanation for how Andy Roddick could manage to win more games in the longest Grand Slam final ever played (77 in total, well past the mark set in 1927, with a final tally of 39 games Roddick, 38 Federer) and still somehow come up on the losing end. Even then, to just watch those figures ignores a career-high 50 aces from Federer, or the clutch backhand winners from Roddick, who not so long ago could hit a backhand at a key moment about as well as Mickelson could hit a driver on the 72nd hole of a U.S. Open. That's yet another dimension where sports reminds us that life's not fair. If it were, we'd play the NCAA Tourament by simulator every year and hand the title to the arbitrary math formula's chosen top team (we still do this, more or less, in NCAA Football - but that's neither here nor there). So we have to say that in almost all sports, maybe the numbers don't lie, but they also don't tell the whole story and they have no say in the final outcome. Yet another marvelous quirk which makes the fields of play a blessed release from a world that too often gets cold and calculative, driven by stats and polls. The irony comes when we reflect on how sports usually serves as a great example of the power of numbers. We obsess over them - batting averages, free-throw attempts, head-to-head records, first-serve percentages, goal differential, wins against an opponent with a certain seed - and often times maniacally so. That is, until things reach the tipping point; then the greatest moments of sport are, without fail, the ones that allow us to revel in how the numbers and the records get gloriously kicked to the curb and produce a moment, a match, a memory which "going by the numbers" should not be allowed to exist. What's that you say - Roddick's a 9-to-1 underdog and has lost to Federer 18 times in 20 matches, usually by comically lopsided scores? Didn't matter at all on this day, except for afterward when the stats crew needed to update the raw data so the media guide would show Federer making it 19 out of 21. To just read that line in a book would be to miss all the drama that had to go on in order to get to that point. No, in sports, numbers do not tell the whole story, even if the BCS would prefer that they do.

Something else sports do for us, something we ought to be quite capable of remembering on our own but somehow can't seem to grasp except in the context of a heartbreaking triple-overtime defeat at the buzzer: we are more than just the one-line entry of "W" or "L". After all, it's just a baseball game, just a tennis match, just a sporting event. To use the words of Brett Favre (who seems capable these days only of stirring in thousands the emotions that would be better spent on meaningful issues): "It's not life or death". Profound insight out of a man from Mississippi, where most of the population would of course say that a simple thing like football is not life or death - it's far more important than that. Yet it's not, and we know this. That's why we often gain in our admiration for a player or a team by how they handle the crushing and undeserving blows dealt to them by fate. Observe the two men who slugged out yesterday's championship. First there is Federer, who nearly broke down after losing "The Greatest Match Ever" in the 2008 Wimbledon Final (to Nadal), and then did precisely that seven months later, having to be hugged by Nadal during the trophy ceremony at the '09 Australian Open. The way he handled defeat - not only the fact that he did it the way most of would, as an aching and distraught human being, but that he redoubled his efforts to capture the next two titles - earned him as many plaudits as each of the 15 Grand Slams.

So it will have to be for Roddick, who now holds the dubious distinction of having more losses to Federer in championship finals than any other player. Nobody save for Nadal has had to go through it more than once, and Nadal at least has the warm comfort of five wins against his two losses, to say nothing of the constant whispers that he may yet eclipse the great Federer when all is said and played. Roddick, on the other hand, has to carry the burden of being simply good, but not blessed with the greatness that comes along only once (and just maybe twice) in a generation. Again, if life (and sports) were fair, he would not have to shoulder that weight. If life were fair, in this case, at some point late in the fifth set (say when it was tied 8-8, or maybe 11-11) Federer would have nobly laid down his weapon and conceded, if only so Roddick could enjoy just one taste of the glory that the Swiss has now experienced six times. But that's not the way it goes. It just can't. We have to go on until somebody wins. If life were fair, "poor Roger" would just have to wait until the U.S. Open to get his inevitable 15th slam, and Roddick would have the one trophy he covets the most.

You could say that is Roddick's curse, that he should steel himself so mightily, reinvigorate his game so thoroughly, and yet be dealt the dead man's hand over and over again. The '09 final was quite literally a reenactment of what it's like to volley against a brick wall - it will continue only so long as you don't make a mistake. The wall isn't going to make one. So it came to pass that Roddick lost on his serve for the first, last, and only time, in the 39th game...and therefore lost the championship. Life is just not fair. We need sports to teach us that, because in the midst of that hard lesson we find so many things to admire and respect about ourselves and our opponents. We come to find that we love the struggle, the purpose, the heroics and the theatrics that are all necesitated by the bottom-line world of sports. We are all running the race, but only one receives the prize. We wouldn't want it any other way.

That's probably why we identify so well with our sports heroes, and also why every so often the face of "the other side" sticks with us. After all, the matches are remembered in pairs, an acknowledgement that one left triupmhant but it damn well took two to tango. That's why we remember Roddick's pained face at the end just as much as Federer's unrestrained joy. For not only are we observing something totally unique that none of us will ever experience, but we simultaneously identify a tiny bit of ourselves in Roddick's plight. There's not much of a communion with the icon as there is with the ones he had to step on to reach that status, even if he did it with exceeding politeness as Federer has done. Fitting then, to see how Roger's BFF is Tiger Woods, as the two of them have found in each other perhaps the only person on the planet who knows what it's like to be them. You can imagine how the AIM sessions go:
-- How'd it go today Rog?
-- Oh, you know. Saved four set points against a guy playing out of his mind. Won the longest Grand Slam final ever. Earned a 6th gold cup. You?
-- Eh, about the same. Drilled a 20-footer on 16 for the win. Runner-up shot a course record 62 but still couldn't touch me.
We stand in awe of such greatness, and rightly so. Yet we observe men like Woods and Federer almost at a distance, as if they are far above the rules, and the failings, that color our experience as mere mortals. That's why the admiration of Federer seemed to grow over the past year, why Nadal has been a welcome addition to his legacy, because the swashbuckler from Mallorca reminded us that yes, indeed, Roger Federer is human and will cry just like all of us after seeing a dream crushed. It's proof that everybody, even the immortal Federer, knows what it's like to be Andy Roddick on Sunday. That Federer could take such defeat and return to the summit didn't make it less comical (in an epic, Greek tragedy kind of way) to listen to him try to console Roddick in the post-match interview. "Don't be too sad, I went through a tough one last year", and it was at that point A-Rod, rather tersely I might add, reminded him that he probably knew enough about the happy times (five) to outlast one haunting defeat. Roddick was left do what we've all been made to do in the area of sport and life: to have to accept you gave everything that was possibly left to give and then some, only to find it somehow wasn't enough. To accept that life's not fair.

As an interesting coda, the running storyline on this final for weeks to come will be about the inherent drama of Federer's quest and Roddick's rebirth, how if either man had cracked just slightly at different points it could've been a very different outcome. We'll hear a lot about how Roddick will surely come to wake up with nightmares at that missed volley in the second set tie-break, at least as often as we'll hear about how he stared down death 10 straight times when Federer was looking to close out the match before finally succumbing. There will be a lot of "had Roddick played anybody except Federer like that, he'd have won", and a few "if he could just take that one shot back..." analyses. But all those are again missing the mark. Roddick knew it afterwards, dismissing the hypotheticals about if Federer was the only man who could've beat him Sunday as "irrelevant". Both before, during, and after the match he very much played the part of Rocky Balboa, even if as a former Grand Slam winner and top-ranked player he was hardly a no-name palooka (and on that note, leave it to Bill Simmons to introduce some cold-hearted levity on the situation: "You're not making me feel sorry for Andy Roddick. He's worth $50 million & married a swimsuit model. Good try though." And yes, that was from his Twitter). Roddick's sole purpose was to push on to the end and not relent until every last ounce of effort had been given. How does a man know he's done all he can? When there's absolutley nothing left to do. At that point something much more lasting than the final result (a simple tally of Win Federer, Loss Roddick) is acheived. Sports are cruel and unfair, telling us in the clearest ways that, yes, first place is reserved for winners - but that doesn't render everyone else a loser. Even if he was more playboy than punching bag, Roddick was in the middle of a great Rocky moment - which by definition comes in defeat (I'm talking about Rocky, not any element in the parade of sequels featuring Hulk Hogan and Mr. T).

The Balboa imagery was alive and well at the end of the match too, the crowd chanting as much if not more for the vanquished, and when the combatants laid down their armor (literally in Roddick's case, tossing his racket toward the bench as he walked to the net) to embrace in an almost-full hug before parting. You could see Federer, very much playing the Apollo Creed role as the impecabbly (if somewhat foolishly) dressed champion, worn out like never before, somehow still upright and still the champ despite being battered-and-bruised beyond his or anybody else's expectations. He leaned to whisper something into Roddick's ear, and vice versa. I'm more than a little tempted to think it went just like it did in 1976: Federer, like Creed in a weak but almost awe-struck tone, "Ain't gonna be no rematch." And Roddick, for reasons more pointed than Balboa but just as heroic: "Don't want one."

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Heavy Artillery

On nights when I would have to work late in Anaheim for Parks & Resorts, there were times when we would actually be restricted from going outside due to "pyro" - fireworks, obviously. The whole backstage buildings and offices would be on lockdown to avoid the shell fallout, and when you're stuck in a sometimes windowless room hearing explosions in the distance lent the experience a very surreal quality.

The "bunker" experience returned tonight on the Independence Day holiday. The economy may be tanking and forcing a lot of cities to downsize or cut off their flashy celebrations, but apparently the city of Bristol had plenty of pyro left in reserve because it was an almost constant stream of bombs bursting in air from 8:00-10:00. And try though I might to get a glimpse of pageantry, I couldn't find these things! They were out there (believe me, I heard) but despite doing several laps to all the different vantage points I could think of, there just wasn't any place to watch it unfold. So I just curled up on the couch and took the long-distance artillery shelling in the way soldiers in the WWI trenches did.

To wrap up this patriotic day, what's a more vibrant symbol of Americana than 44 richly decorated robots? Here's Doris Kearns Goodwin and the Imagineering team discussing the rebooted "Hall of Presidents" at Disney World, which officially re-opened today. Happy 233rd Birthday America:

Friday, July 3, 2009

Coming Attractions

I'm going to make a point of seeing this. It's World War II as seen through the eyes of the man who brought us the entirely new meaning of "Royale with Cheese". To be honest though I can't say if I'm expecting it to be good or to be a spectacularly glorious train wreck. There's only one way to find out...

Thursday, July 2, 2009

I'm Not Saying, I'm Just Saying

There's something wrong with Ron Artest. I'm not calling the guy out (because I know he'll come after me) or saying he wouldn't light me up on the basketball court (because he would, blindfolded and with both hands tied up) and I'm not really saying he bothers me.

I just know there's something wrong with him. It might be okay though, because it seems like whatever it is that's knocked a couple screws loose, it's made him into the player that he is. You know what they say about taking what you've got, "for better or worse", etc, etc. I guess I'm just saying, when this kind of thing comes up in the course of a nonchalant post-game chat, it makes me wonder if Ron-Ron (as he insists on being called) is somehow managing to turn over the motor despite leaving the keys on the kitchen counter:
I remember when I used to play back home in the neighborhood there were always games like that. I remember one time, one of my friends, he was playing basketball and they were winning the game. It was so competitive, they broke off a piece of leg from a table and they threw it and it went right through his heart and he died right on the court.
And thing about this is, if you watch the video, it's not some big, dramatic, "I've seen things you cannot even imagine!" moment. He spins it as if it were just another of those dime-a-dozen "So, this one time me and my buddies..." stories. Hey, life's tough on the New York courts. Every so often a guy will get SPEARED with a table leg, but no biggie. Ball's in!!

I don't know if it should be considered big-deal. I don't think it could be considered normal. I guess you gotta go with whatever works. But there's something wrong about Ron Artest - which of course means he will be an absolutely perfect fit in L.A.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Cleveland, You Never Cease to Amaze Me

I don't have much to contribute today, but I just think Shaquille O'Neal ought to take a good long look at what he's getting himself into. The people in this video are right up there with the residents of Mobile "Who All See the Leprechaun?!?" Alabama...


This is what the bear probably looked like. This "recreation" shows how the bear escaped.

I mean, I can't figure out who looks worse in this: the stunned residents who are sure a black bear is stalking the neighborhood but can't find anything to take a picture of it, or the news reporter who figured it would do wonders for his career by personally having a cardboard cut out stand in for the bear, with the qualifier of, "It looks like this. Except real."

Oooooohhhkkkaaayyy...